I'll just say it: This being funny shit is hard. If my colleagues and I make it look easy, it's because we don't want to spoil the illusion. But in an effort to "keep it real", I'm pulling back the curtain to give you all a look at the process, the rules, and the curse. Clip and save, because this is the last time this happens pre-sexual congress.
1. You can't turn it off. As soon as you establish yourself as a grade “A” comedy saying man, people never expect you to turn it off. Most laughstronauts like myself developed their skills as defense mechanisms early on, then parlayed these skills into the savvy yuk-fests you love today. But, it's not always like that. Sometimes we want to open up about our childhood and about how we were dressed as girls because boys are dirty and that disgusting little sausage between our legs is like the devils tongue- Full of lies! Stop laughing! I'm sharing...
2. Girls (part 1). The myth that girls love a funny guy is a half-truth. The whole truth is that girls love a guy stupid enough to help her do heavy lifting, and has a good attitude about doing it. Face it, Chortle king, no amount of joking is going to make her realize that having to listen to her go on about finding a guy "like you, just NOT you" is no laughing matter. So, just get ready to be that shoulder to cry on the next time her true love snogs another chick, you hilarious loser.
3. Comedians are Losers. There are two types of people: Those that moan and complain about the shit that's wrong with life then does nothing about it, and the kind that does everything I just said THEN adds a bit of sarcasm and splits the take with the management. That's the American way! Both of these people are losers, only one is getting paid for their trouble.
4.Agreement forged with old Gods of "Chaos" a bunch of shitI can't speak for everyone, but when I forge an uneasy alliance with Ynyir, the Doomed faceless, i expect his end of the deal to come of without all that bitching and Moaning about how he was "Born before there was birth" and "All that is, is but a speck upon his infinate vessel". Whatever, man. You gonna smite my enemies or what? Shit or get off the pot, son.
5.You can't turn it on. You have not known hell until you're sitting on the perfect zinger directly after a national tragedy of a sad situation, and the "too soon" light keeps going off in your head. Trust me, though, too soon is better than too late. John Mark Karr, the Andy Kaufman of toddler homicide, publicly LIED about killing a small white girl, and was NOT beaten to death for his trouble. Instead, he was released. The police are after me now for even typing the words “dead” and “White girl” in the same sentence. Where’s the justice?
In comedy! …But I’m not gonna touch it!
6. The Stark Reality (girls part 2). Hey, Baby...Everyone has their Albatross. And everyone’s got their self-medication- But the Comedian masks his
“Crying on the inside" by sharing his silly little pain with the world. (see points 1 and 3) The stark Reality is, once you walk off that stage, the suck of the world is still looming. Example: a few years ago, I had a particularly rough breakup with one of Satan's chew toys. I wrote a show about it, and attempted to exercise her smell from me through the scrubbing bubbles of comedy. It was a dark show, but for the time I was on the stage, I felt great. Then the show ended. There I was, facing the Stark Reality that snapping on that hooker from stage was only a quick fix. Then the doubts started in... "Was I funny?" "Was I ever funny?" "I'm a hack!" "Women hate me!""Somewhere in the world, right now, there is a woman having sex with a horse...and I can't get a date..."
7.You get a Spidey sense...for Comedy!One of the best things about being a wise guy is that eventually, you can see the funny in everything. The esoteric surrounds you in a glowing sarcastic light. You are one with the shtick.Let me go off topic a bit here...Family Guy is not funny.Sure, Greased up Deaf guy was funny at first, but it got run into the ground. Comedy is more that just mentioning things in hopes that the audiences recollection will get a giggle. No one wants to see a Mentioning show. What if you came to my show and all I did was material like "Kool-aid! Huh? Remember Kool-aid? Remember Mr.T? What if he drank some? What if he drank some Kool-aid? Huh? Huh? That would be a hillarious juxstoposition of childhood memories!" yeah, the popular culture is full of cool crap to be mined, but add to it! Hey, remember the Punky Brewster cartoon? How crazy was that show!?
8.You have to pretend to hate things you really,really love.
Example: I have seen so much of Britney, Paris, and Lindsey’s reproductive organs over the past year, that I think I’m immune. Contrary to popular belief, a man kind of has to WANT to see hoo-ha for it to mean anything. These constant surprise attacks of skanks and their sugar walls are putting me off! It’s just like when I was seven and I tried to see how many marshmallows I could eat at one time. I hate marshmallows now.
All in all, though, Comedy has been very, very good to me. It brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it. I thank you all.
But we are, all of us, dancing towards doom.
Thank you, and good night.