Saturday, February 14, 2009

Creep a day #13 "Ginger Boovoo"

Emma did it!

True Companion

Just as she was leaving the apartment, I took my chance and kissed her. She seemed surprised, but not disgusted. I was really happy that she wasn’t disgusted. She was flustered though, and her only response was “Oh…” I never saw her again after that. She mailed me and said that I was too reliable to be around. This made no sense to me, but I was used to this sort of nonsense. I saved the letter, though. I thought that I could use it later.
The news was calling it one of the greatest disasters in civilized history. All of Houston, Texas had been burned and quarantined. At first they tried to put some sort of spin on it and play down the severity, but eventually the truth came out. There was some horrible accident and the only way to contain it was to burn every living thing. It sounded like science fiction, but it had really happened- a modern American city had been razed to contain a virus from space.
I made eggs and watched an old episode of the Sopranos. I heard a siren outside and it shook me up, but it was just a tornado test siren. On the Sopranos, Meadow was upset because another boyfriend had left her.
After the hijinks of the last girl, I’ve decided to avoid them completely this year. I could do without the headaches. In the meantime, I’ve decided to work on my novel. It’s all about a cop and his slow slide into mediocrity. I think that if I put my mind to it, I can knock this thing out this year. I just have to get started.
The news keeps going on about containment. The government and NASA are constantly assuring us that they were able to keep the virus in Houston, but the media won’t let it go. They keep reporting on incidents way outside of Houston, but they never confirm anything.
I’ve lost twenty pounds. I cut out the sodas and the sweets and cut back on the bread, and now I’m twenty pounds lighter. Usually I only eat when I’m stressed anyway but now that I’ve cut back on the women my stress level is really low.
“Remember Houston” is repeated everywhere on the news. Today at noon we are all supposed to take a moment to reflect on the events and remember the millions that died. I try to, but my mind drifts to the fact that I’m broke. That’s what I think about silently at noon- my lack of savings and my growing debt.
I spot the crazy girl at the bookstore. She doesn’t notice me, so I leave before she does. I feel bad about what went down between us. I really liked her. I wish she hadn’t been insane. I want to but magazines, but I don’t want to risk her seeing me and starting up a conversation. That’s the thing about girls- they try to talk to you as if nothing bad ever happened between you. And the entire time, I‘m staring at them with my mouth open and thinking… Hey! You remember that you screwed me over, right? It’s not worth it, though. I don’t really need magazines.
More Sopranos, more day job, more women stress, more debt. It’s a vicious rut. Perhaps I’ve made a mistake.
I called to ask my landlord if he’d take half of the rent until next week. He agreed. I took a cab out to the office and dropped the payment off in the box. There were people across the street holding up signs. They were anti-abortion I think.
I really don’t like being confronted by pictures of dead babies this early in the morning.
The rut continues. I don’t leave the apartment for an entire weekend. I figure that I have to sink so much money into this thing that it doesn’t make any sense to be away from it any longer than I have to.
I get a letter taped to my door threatening eviction. It seems that the landlord changed his mind about waiting 3 days for the rest of the rent. I have to ask my big brother for it, which I hate to do. He has it and he’ll offer it gladly, but every loan from him is proof that I have not done things the right way.
Despite the fact that I have no money, no love life, and no real plan to fix either, I’m happy. People all over the world are still in mourning for those in Houston but the unspoken consensus is better them than us. Perhaps things will change now. I have noticed that people are nicer to each other since the tragedy. I have noticed people making eye contact on the street. For awhile my attitude was that the tragedy was bad, but it didn’t change the fact that I was broke. Now I feel that being in the hole is still better than being burned to death because of a space virus infection. It’s all about perspective, I guess.
All of the channels were reporting it. The True Companion had crashed to Earth somewhere in the Australian outback. NASA wouldn’t confirm or deny that the ship was the source of the Houston outbreak, but the news seemed to believe that it was. No news crews were allowed access to the area, but they were reporting major military involvement. The news also said that a source had reported that the ship had crashed into a middle school.
When I got home from work today, my electricity was out. There was a note on the door where they had come by for payment. Who is at home at two in the afternoon? Now, I have to pay with a credit card if I want the power to return tonight. I decide to just wait in the dark for the world to end.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Creep a day #12 "Dropsey Doodle"

Here you go, Emma.
Dropsey doodle.
he's a little strange.
well- a LOT strange..

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Creep a day #10 "The Either Or"

Suggested by Chris Garrison, who is just as cute as Emma but in a different way!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Creep a day #9 "Lambshow Emma"

Lambshow Emma,
flipping around the lambs.
They just want to rest, Emma!
Stop that flippin'!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Creep a day #8 "Sue Silver"

Emma! where do you come up with these things!?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Unlimited Nights and Weekends

(J’Mel drunk dials celebrities you may or may not have heard of and leaves embarrassing voicemail messages)

Halle Berry
Hey Halle. It’s J’Mel. I was just watching Monster’s Ball. That sex scene with Slingblade was off the chain, baby girl! “Make me feel good!” I’ll make you feel good! I just want too say something, and I guess if you get mad or disagree you can blame it on the liquor because I’m as drunk as (expletive deleted). I think you look better with clothes on. I’m sorry, but I don’t apologize for saying that I think you look better with clothes on. I’m not saying you didn’t look good, I’m just saying that I had this vision of what those (inappropriate slang for breasts) were gonna look like, and I was wrong. Anyway, I hope you aren’t mad at me. Call me when you get this. Make me feel good! Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Idea. How about you take What A Fool Believes by the Doobie Brothers and, like, sample it? I don’t think anyones done it yet. You can basically just loop the first 12 seconds of the song, and get Michael McDonald to sing a new hook over it. Something like What a bad Boy believes, or What a Biggie Believes- yesh! Do it for Biggie. I think it’s about time for another Biggie tribute song. You know what, though? You’ll blow everybody’s mind if you do a 2pac tribute song! What a Pac Believes! That’s all I had- I didn’t want anything. Think about it.

Jerry Reed
What up playa! Holla! Hey, so I’ve been wanting to ask you this for, like, years- what the hell was up with Smokey and the Bandit III? Did they just pull a truck load of money up to your house? How did that meeting go?
“Hey Jerry. We have an idea. We think that the reason the fisrt two Smokies worked were you and Burt Reynolds. So we’ve decided to do a third film, and in order make sure that it makes millions at the box office, we want to combine you and Burt into one character. We want you to play Burt Reynolds playing the bandit in Smokey and the Bandit III! Here, wear this phony mustache for the entire movie, you dick!”
Dude! What happened? They got the gold mine and you got the shaft! Can you even look Burt in the eye? Does he even call? Man, I didn’t call you up to be an ass, but I just want to know. If you want to talk about it hit me on the cell. I’m over here chillin’ if you want to hang out. Bring that Asian tape you keep telling me about- the one with the dog. Peace!

Nancy Grace
Just returning your call. Um- yeah, I still have your underwear. I told you I was going to keep them. Did you think I was joking? I wasn’t. Ha ha! You’re more than welcome to come and get them, if you dare. Just wanted to say that all that angry contradiction stuff you did last time was really hot. I love a vocal girl. Seriously, though, swing on by when you get this. And bring a pack of Newports. Get the 100’s. Before you even say anything, I know I said I quit, but I only like to smoke after two things- drinking and…you know. So, we’ll have two reasons to smoke tonight. Don’t wear a bra. Bye, you nasty thing, you.

Amy Winehouse
Okay, you win the bet! I didn’t think you could go it, but you win. When I first heard you whining on the radio like a violated cicada, I went crazy! How did you actually convince people to give you a record deal? You are crazy! I love you, you nutcase! And you even lost 50 pounds- you look like a dead person. You look like a cult member in a fright wig. Bravo, Aimster. You win the bet- One dollar. Get some sleep, you deserve it, because you look like a teen runaway from an apocalyptic future. I’ll call you next week. Don’t call me, my voicemail is broken or something. If you don’t hear from me, you’ll hear from me soon after. Alright.

O.J. Simpson
Thanks for covering for me, Juice. I owe you big- Big!

Melanie Jayne Chisholm (Sporty Spice)
Congratulations on the reunion tour. You know you were always my favorite Spice Girl. I tell eveyone I know that you were the only one that could actually carry a tune. I can’t wait to see you guys on stage again. Don’t charge too much for the tickets!
I’m just putting it out there- Nancy grace is coming over later, and you should join us. Seriously, come on over. It’d be best if you got here before she did. Wear a bra and nothing else- maybe socks.

George Lucas
G-money bit o’ honey. It’s me. I should have made this call a long time ago, but I waited and then it was too late and by the time I thought about it again, it was way too late to do it. So, look- I was joking! That script I sent you was never meant to be made into a movie! It wasn’t even formatted properly! Didn’t you notice all of the unnecessary parenthetical phrases and stilted dialogue? Dude, I hadn’t even watched the original films in 20 years! You can’t tell me that you didn’t notice that nothing tied into the other films. You can’t tell me that after the first twenty pages, you didn’t notice that it was just a bunch of characters flying back and forth and talking at each other with no distinction in character. And it’s called Attack of the Clones! They don’t attack anyone, they’re on our side! Anyway, man. I’m sorry but it can’t even be considered my fault at this point. It’s like you’ve never read a screenplay! If you wanna hang out, Jerry Reed is bringing that Asian tape where the girls cry a lot. If you’re coming, bring the tequila. It’s your turn. Bitch! Ha ha. Seriously, drop by. Noonch!

Joyce DeWitt
I wish you’d pick up the phone. I don’t know what you thought you saw, but Nancy Grace and Sporty Spice were just here to help me change the shower curtain. That explains you hearing Nancy saying “Give me the rod, and I’ll put it in.” it was just a misunderstanding. Actually, you’d think that you would understand- this is very close to one of your Three’s Company episodes. I mean, really- “Hurry up and finish screwing it before I scream!”? I can see how you could make the mistake, but we were only doing some light home improvements. I hope that you do the rational thing and call me back. This is too silly to end what we have. I’ll talk to you later, hopefully. I love you. Happy birthday.

Creep a day #7 "Shinsho Shooble"

For Emma (of course!)