Sunday, February 8, 2009

Unlimited Nights and Weekends

(J’Mel drunk dials celebrities you may or may not have heard of and leaves embarrassing voicemail messages)

Halle Berry
Hey Halle. It’s J’Mel. I was just watching Monster’s Ball. That sex scene with Slingblade was off the chain, baby girl! “Make me feel good!” I’ll make you feel good! I just want too say something, and I guess if you get mad or disagree you can blame it on the liquor because I’m as drunk as (expletive deleted). I think you look better with clothes on. I’m sorry, but I don’t apologize for saying that I think you look better with clothes on. I’m not saying you didn’t look good, I’m just saying that I had this vision of what those (inappropriate slang for breasts) were gonna look like, and I was wrong. Anyway, I hope you aren’t mad at me. Call me when you get this. Make me feel good! Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Idea. How about you take What A Fool Believes by the Doobie Brothers and, like, sample it? I don’t think anyones done it yet. You can basically just loop the first 12 seconds of the song, and get Michael McDonald to sing a new hook over it. Something like What a bad Boy believes, or What a Biggie Believes- yesh! Do it for Biggie. I think it’s about time for another Biggie tribute song. You know what, though? You’ll blow everybody’s mind if you do a 2pac tribute song! What a Pac Believes! That’s all I had- I didn’t want anything. Think about it.

Jerry Reed
What up playa! Holla! Hey, so I’ve been wanting to ask you this for, like, years- what the hell was up with Smokey and the Bandit III? Did they just pull a truck load of money up to your house? How did that meeting go?
“Hey Jerry. We have an idea. We think that the reason the fisrt two Smokies worked were you and Burt Reynolds. So we’ve decided to do a third film, and in order make sure that it makes millions at the box office, we want to combine you and Burt into one character. We want you to play Burt Reynolds playing the bandit in Smokey and the Bandit III! Here, wear this phony mustache for the entire movie, you dick!”
Dude! What happened? They got the gold mine and you got the shaft! Can you even look Burt in the eye? Does he even call? Man, I didn’t call you up to be an ass, but I just want to know. If you want to talk about it hit me on the cell. I’m over here chillin’ if you want to hang out. Bring that Asian tape you keep telling me about- the one with the dog. Peace!

Nancy Grace
Just returning your call. Um- yeah, I still have your underwear. I told you I was going to keep them. Did you think I was joking? I wasn’t. Ha ha! You’re more than welcome to come and get them, if you dare. Just wanted to say that all that angry contradiction stuff you did last time was really hot. I love a vocal girl. Seriously, though, swing on by when you get this. And bring a pack of Newports. Get the 100’s. Before you even say anything, I know I said I quit, but I only like to smoke after two things- drinking and…you know. So, we’ll have two reasons to smoke tonight. Don’t wear a bra. Bye, you nasty thing, you.

Amy Winehouse
Okay, you win the bet! I didn’t think you could go it, but you win. When I first heard you whining on the radio like a violated cicada, I went crazy! How did you actually convince people to give you a record deal? You are crazy! I love you, you nutcase! And you even lost 50 pounds- you look like a dead person. You look like a cult member in a fright wig. Bravo, Aimster. You win the bet- One dollar. Get some sleep, you deserve it, because you look like a teen runaway from an apocalyptic future. I’ll call you next week. Don’t call me, my voicemail is broken or something. If you don’t hear from me, you’ll hear from me soon after. Alright.

O.J. Simpson
Thanks for covering for me, Juice. I owe you big- Big!

Melanie Jayne Chisholm (Sporty Spice)
Congratulations on the reunion tour. You know you were always my favorite Spice Girl. I tell eveyone I know that you were the only one that could actually carry a tune. I can’t wait to see you guys on stage again. Don’t charge too much for the tickets!
I’m just putting it out there- Nancy grace is coming over later, and you should join us. Seriously, come on over. It’d be best if you got here before she did. Wear a bra and nothing else- maybe socks.

George Lucas
G-money bit o’ honey. It’s me. I should have made this call a long time ago, but I waited and then it was too late and by the time I thought about it again, it was way too late to do it. So, look- I was joking! That script I sent you was never meant to be made into a movie! It wasn’t even formatted properly! Didn’t you notice all of the unnecessary parenthetical phrases and stilted dialogue? Dude, I hadn’t even watched the original films in 20 years! You can’t tell me that you didn’t notice that nothing tied into the other films. You can’t tell me that after the first twenty pages, you didn’t notice that it was just a bunch of characters flying back and forth and talking at each other with no distinction in character. And it’s called Attack of the Clones! They don’t attack anyone, they’re on our side! Anyway, man. I’m sorry but it can’t even be considered my fault at this point. It’s like you’ve never read a screenplay! If you wanna hang out, Jerry Reed is bringing that Asian tape where the girls cry a lot. If you’re coming, bring the tequila. It’s your turn. Bitch! Ha ha. Seriously, drop by. Noonch!

Joyce DeWitt
I wish you’d pick up the phone. I don’t know what you thought you saw, but Nancy Grace and Sporty Spice were just here to help me change the shower curtain. That explains you hearing Nancy saying “Give me the rod, and I’ll put it in.” it was just a misunderstanding. Actually, you’d think that you would understand- this is very close to one of your Three’s Company episodes. I mean, really- “Hurry up and finish screwing it before I scream!”? I can see how you could make the mistake, but we were only doing some light home improvements. I hope that you do the rational thing and call me back. This is too silly to end what we have. I’ll talk to you later, hopefully. I love you. Happy birthday.

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