Saturday, January 3, 2009

Uncanny Alfie!

Another part of the "Party Crashers" project. Don't forget to check out Dexter Pepper and Bookie!

The Mystery of the Extra Sauce!

Alfie sat in his underwear on the side of the bed nervously shuffling a deck of cards.
He looked at the door every few seconds until finally he was startled by rustling outside.
Alfie leapt across the bed and onto the floor. When he came up he was holding a retractable top hat.
He quickly popped it open and reached in to reveal a .45-millimeter handgun which he pointed at the door.
“I have a very large gun pointed at your midsection!” Alfie said almost nervously. “When I pull the trigger, it will make a large hole that I could see through! That is, unless I hear a password!”
All was silent but for a second.
“Damn it, you know it’s me!” shouted a female voice from outside. “Open the damn door!”
“It is indeed a huge gun!” Alfie stressed. “The kind the tough guys usually use two of in the recent slew of heist movies!”
Again, there wass a brief silence.
“Bibbibybobbidyboo!” The voice called from outside. “Now, open the door!”
Aflie rushed over to the door and opened it.
Tabitha was a very attractive woman who was quite older than Alfie. She was also very pissed off when she entered. She carried two bags of groceries and a couple Arby’s sacks to the dresser and turned to confront Alfie.
“You son of a bitch. You knew that it was me.” Tabitha said as she slipped off her stilettos and rubbed her feet.
Alfie continued to check the peephole.
“You weren’t followed were you?” He asked as he joined her on the bed.
“No, I wasn’t followed you bastard. Next time you can get your own damn Arby’s!
“You remembered the extra sauce?”

“Extra sauce. You know, sometimes I wonder why I put up with your bullshit, you bastard!”
Alfie planted a kiss on her.
“Because you know how I feel about you. Now, shut up.” He said softly, then laid back on the bed and closed his eyes.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” Tabitha asked him, laying back as well and cuddling up beside him.
“Later. Arby’s is best cold.”

When Alfie awoke the next morning, it took a second for him to yawn, stretch, and focus on the man across the room dressed all in black but for his white gloves.
“Amazing Carlo!?” Alfie gasped, and quickly stood.
“Uncanny Alfie.” Carlo said calmly, and took off his gloves.
Alfie looked around the room frantically until Carlo spoke again.
“She’s not here.” Carlo said, and crossed his legs.
He sat there staring at Alfie who was staring back at him.
Finally, Alfie reached for the nightstand.
Slowly, he took a deck of cards from the top drawer and started to slowly shuffle them- first with both hands then with one.
“You know, it wasn’t the whole gambling thing. It wasn’t that at all.” Carlo said.
Alfie offered the cards to Carlo.
“Pick a card?” he asked
“No thank you.” Carlo answered. “I’m trying to quit.” And with that, he reached into his coat and took out a piece of gum and popped it into his mouth.
“I mean, it seems like the easiest grift in the world.” Carlo continued as he chewed. “Do a little slight of hand, maybe a little spell or two, make some easy dough. For that I can’t say I blame you. For the sheer balls of it, I almost respect you.”

Carlo leaned towards Alfie to stress his point.

“The problem is, when you take the magicians oath, there are certain things that are understood. Certain truths that are evident, things that separate us from the common street trickster. You don’t tell how the tricks are done. You don’t reveal the secrets of the magic words. And for fucks sake, you don’t use magic to cheat three of the cities most vicious hit men out of hundreds of thousands of dollars!”

Alfie stopped shuffling, and put the cards down next to him on the bed.
“I can explain-“ he began to say, before Carlo countered with…
“Shut up. The boys back east: Wonderful Doug, Johnny Cadabra… they say to me, they say ‘Carlo, if you want to teach this guy a lesson. This dog, this piece of shit that disgraces the magician’s coda…’ they say to me ‘You need to go down there and pull a rabbit out of his ass!’ which, I must admit is a bit clich├ęd, but you stick with what works. Then you should just…”
Carlo snapped his fingers.
Alfie jumped.
“Make him disappear.”
Alfie realized that letting Carlo see that he was visibly shaken was probably a bad idea, but he was to far gone at this point to play it cool.
Alfie was in full on coward mode now, and they both know it.
“But I said no.” Carlo continued. “I said let me handle him, he’s a good kid. He’s just confused.”
“That’s right, sir. I’m a good kid.” Alfie said, nodding and trying his best to seem sincere.
“Interrupt me again, and I’ll wish you into the cornfield.” Carlo said, and every light in the room suddenly blinked on to prove that he meant business.
Alfie was silent and Carlo hesitated to talk for a moment, to test him.
“On my way over here, I got to thinking. Why should I give you another chance to make me look bad? Why should I do that, Alfie?”
“Because I don’t want to die?”
“What, you want to live forever?”
“If possible.”
“It’s overrated. And you won’t.” Carlo said, earnestly.
“You are mine now, even more so than before, only now if you screw up I saw that girl of yours in half. I got a job for you. You answer directly to me; you talk to no one, not even the whore. You make me proud, and I let you walk away. Got it?”

“Yes- Yes sir.” Alfie said, terrified.
“And maybe it’ll help you to know this…” Carlo said, standing to leave. “I’ve known where you were the whole time. I know everything. I even knew about the Arby’s sauce. Go to sleep.”

And with that, Carlo vanished leaving Alfie staring blankly at the door.
Eventually, Alfie ventured out to look for his Tabitha-
But he had his Arby’s first.

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