Thursday, January 15, 2009

Excerpts from “Family Guy” creator Seth McFarlane’s self-written Wedding Vows.

Standing here, now, ready to make you my partner in life’s journey makes me happy- much happier than the time I found Chris Kattan in my rice pudding.
Since I’ve met you, I have not known loneliness, fear, regret. The only feeling in my heart is joy and love and happiness- like the feeling Papa Smurf gets when he bites into a peppermint patty; my heart is like a midget on Gilligan’s Island.
Before you, my life was as empty as Geraldo Rivera’s broom closet. Most of my days were as sad as Stephen Hawking’s autobiography on tape as read by a gay Elvis Impersonator.
I promise I will lie to you or betray you or make you kill your baby like Hawkeye did on the last episode of M*A*S*H. I will never disappear like Ritchie’s older brother Chuck Cunningham or change like they changed the voice actors on The Real Ghostbusters animated series from Lorenzo Music to Dave Coulier.
Hey! Remember Monchi-chi?
Simply put, I love you more than Grand Moff Tarkin loves Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam workout videos.
(At this point, Seth is attacked by a giant chicken. The two engage in fisticuffs. The fights ridiculous length is only matched by its comic ingeniousness.)
If I could go back in time to meet you again and again, I would. I’d use the Doc’s time machine to do it. The one that he left in the cave at the end of Back to the Future II, the one that Marty used to go back to 1885 and save the Doc’s life. Hey, why wasn’t there a time machine waiting in the 1885 cave when Marty got back to the west? You’d think that there would have been- and they could have used that time machine to go back to 1985 instead of having to use a train to push their DeLorean to 88 MPH. I’m just saying.
And what was up with the guy that created Cyberdyne in T2 using the arm of the Terminator from the first movie as a method to create the technology that would ultimately create Terminators? That logic was as iffy as Gary Glitter’s line of disposable diapers.
I am ready for our lives to be as one. I have searched my whole life for a love like ours. I have searched for a person that I can know cares about me. I have searched for someone that cared about me.
All I wanted, really, was someone that asked me how my day was, and genuinely wanted to know.
And then I found you. I won’t say I knew you were the one when we met. But I’ll tell you when I knew.
You’d finally agreed to go out with me, and we took a picnic lunch up to the state park because I wanted to sit amongst the cherry trees and watch with you as the blossoms fell.
You were telling me about your dreams to be a painter, and looking off into the distance as you often do when you talk about your dreams.
The blossoms were raining around you, and the light hit you in a way that made you look like an absolute fantasy. You were a dream. You were my dream. And all I wanted to do was to kiss you. I was afraid to, because this was only our first date, but I knew that if I didn’t take this chance that I’d regret it forever. I knew that if I didn’t take this chance, then there would probably never be another…
I touched you face, and you looked at me and smiled. And I kissed you.
And I cried.
Remember, we both laughed because I was embarrassed by my tears; but at the same time, I was not. These were my first ever true tears of happiness.
I can’t promise you the moon. I can’t promise you the best things in life. All I can promise is that I will never stop trying to get you those things, and so much more. All that I can promise is that my heart and my soul belong to you, through sickness and through health, for richer and for poorer.
Because when I imagine a life without you, it makes me feel sad. Life without you, just the thought of it, makes me want to commit suicide- the way that Barbra’s friend Melanie tried to commit suicide by taking a bottle full of pills after Barbra broke the tiny glass giraffe that Melanie had given her on the first part of the two part episode of One Day at a Time entitled “Barbra’s best friend”.
(At this point, Seth sings “Without you” by Harry Nilsson in its entirety.)