For years, people have been telling me that I should be reading Harry Potter.
I always used the same excuse when I told them I didn’t want to; I can’t retain fictional names and places in my fiction reading.
While this was more truth than excuse, the time has come to lay it all on the line-
I have been reading the Harry Potter books!
Like all of you, I went absolutely short-bus for every new installment of the world’s favorite boy wizard in trouble, and I even refused to read the last book online when I found out that it was available.
As a matter of fact, I haven’t read the last book at all! I’m, waiting so that I can read it with my son, if I ever have one, after we have shared each preceding book together.
So don’t ruin it for me.
I do have something I’d like to share with you all, though.
After I finished reading the penultimate Potter book, I decided to write my own final book to see if I’d been properly following the tale.
I had a feeling that if I’d been truly paying attention to the clever clues that J.K. Rowling had been giving me, that I’d be right about 80% of my predictions.
So, without further ado, here are some excerpts from my own final book in the Harry Potter story which I had no choice but to call:
HARRY POTTER AND THE MASTER OF NEVERTHUS WAS!
Professor Snape spun around to find Dumbledore standing behind him. With a huge and sinister grin covering his face, Dumbledore cast a flammable spell and lit the Chesterfield that hung from the corner of his mouth.
“But, you’re dead!” Snape said, backing away and reaching for his wand. “I smote you from the balcony!”
Dumbledore began to snicker. His snicker turned into a full-body laugh. When he stopped, he stared at Snape and took the 45mm from the small of his back.
“Smite this.” Dumbledore said, and began to shoot.
Snape immediately cast a bullet-time spell on himself, and dodged every last shot!
Harry walked into his secret hideout and looked around at all the Horcruxes he’d collected.
There was a giant penny, a giant playing card, and life size robotic Tyrannosaurs Rex.
Satisfied, but beaten, he sat down to think about what he had to do next.
“I made a mistake” Harry thought to himself. “I have to have Ginny Weasley, and if I can’t…I have to kill her!”
“I vowed to aid Draco Malfoy on his mission” Snape began, “And to complete it if he were to fail.”
“Oh yeah?” Ron Weasley responded, and cast a Chow-Yun Fatus spell on himself.
“Well maybe you can aid Draco in eating me!” Said Ron as he cast aside his gay-ass wand, and pulled two 45’s from his robe.
“Please,” Patronized Snape, “I invented that shit!”
And with that, they were popping caps!
Snape’s silenced glocs buzzed red-hot lead past Ron’s head like bees from hell, but Ron was no stranger to cap busting.
He’d had a gun in his hand since before he could walk.
When he was younger, he’d sit just outside of the local quidditch field and shoot at the seekers he thought looked at him funny.
But today was the truest test.
Ron dodged every shot Snape took, and returned in kind. Casting the Chow-Yun spell meant he’d never run out of bullets and would only have to reload if it were cool looking. But he had to counter the Bullet-time spell he was sure Snape was certainly using.
Suddenly, inspiration took hold!
Ron knew that if he lure Snape into the woods, a dragon or a giant, or something would totally grab Snape and save him.
He would then use his last remaining dragon/giant piercing bullet to shoot through the “whatever” and into Snapes heart.
Unfortunately for Ron, Harry was thinking the same thing as he and Voldemort had their drunken-style kung-fu battle in the next room…
Hermione’s time travel spell had worked- she was finally home!
“Now everything will be back to the way it was.” She thought.
Unfortunately, Hermione was unaware that while she wasn’t looking, future Malfoy had used her time travel amulet to go into the past and give a sports almanac to his past self.
He had also gone far enough into the past to step on a butterfly, thus assuring himself unlimited victory against all muggles and half-bloods.
There was, though, one thing that would become completely clear to Hermione Granger- Draco Malfoy was as awesome as balls!
“I only took the job as defense against the dark arts teacher to keep an eye on you, Harry” said Gleeglebort Snopsnix. “And you have disappointed me at every turn!”
Snopsnix hit harry across the face again with the magical sock filled with quarters.
“I hate you and your stupid face!” cried Snopsnix through tears of pain and repressed memories.
All the young wizards gathered around Harry’s body.
Some were secretly glad that he was finally dead. Honestly, since his arrival at Hogwart’s he’d put them in more and more danger with each passing year.
Finally, someone spoke.
“Thank you for killing Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort.” Yelled the one black wizard child that could afford to go to Hogwart’s.
“I was so tired of that punk’s whining and shit!”
“I’m sorry it had to happen.” Responded Voldemort. “All I wanted to do was test him enough to make him stronger. He was to be the chosen one- the greatest wizard ever.”
Voldemort gently caressed his own nose holes, and choked back a tear.
“Now he’s dead. Oh well.”
“Wait!” Said Hermione as she descended from the sky with her Jango Fett styled jet pack.
“There is a spell- one I’ve been working on that can bring Harry back!”
Some of the kids groaned silently, but the majority of them knew that Harry could be an okay guy when he hadn’t been drinking.
They all began to nod, and Voldemort did as well.
He walked over to Hermione and handed her his wand.
“You’ll need this.” Voldemort said, winked, and walked to the back of the crowd- he wasn’t stupid!
Hermione gathered all of her strength and raised the wand to the sky.
She flicked it there, high above her head, then brought it down and pointed it at Harry.
“Livus againicum!” Shouted Hermione as a burst of energy flew out of the wand and towards Harry in three fiery bursts.
The young wizards of Hogwart’s all looked on silently as Hermione knelt beside Harry’s lifeless body.
‘You’ve never given up on anything in your life,” She whispered into Harry’s ear.
“Don’t give up now…”
Before Hermione could pull away, Harry was reanimated and biting into her neck and right shoulder.
The young wizards began to scream and run, but they were too slow because Harry was the living dead, and had passed his disease to Hermione.
Potter and Granger sprinted into the crowd, catching and biting any young wizard that was unlucky enough to fall.
The kids trampled each other as they tried to find safety inside the halls of Hogwart’s school for wizardry, but Potters cannibalistic sickness was faster than their small and innocent feet.
Soon, the school was an orgy of screaming and biting.
From above on a nice and secluded balcony, Neville Longbottom watched, smiling.
Finally, he was the master of the Neverthus Was.
Finally, he was as awesome as balls.