So, at my day job there are now cupcakes. they are pretty and the girl that makes them is really cute, but everyone is reacting as if they have NEVER seen a cupcake in real life. this has lead to a sort of pavlovian sickness on my part whenever i hear the word cupcake. geez, people. it's a cuke cake not the grail of Nic Cage...Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Creep-a-day #83 "Cupcake"
So, at my day job there are now cupcakes. they are pretty and the girl that makes them is really cute, but everyone is reacting as if they have NEVER seen a cupcake in real life. this has lead to a sort of pavlovian sickness on my part whenever i hear the word cupcake. geez, people. it's a cuke cake not the grail of Nic Cage...
Monday, May 11, 2009
TWO WEEKS!?
yeah. about that-
I was rehersing for shakespeare for TEN STRAIGHT WEEKS! and betwwen that and my day job something had to give.
anyway, here's the scoop- the shows went well, i'm rested up, and i'm back on my duty.
sorry.
creeps ahoy!
I was rehersing for shakespeare for TEN STRAIGHT WEEKS! and betwwen that and my day job something had to give.
anyway, here's the scoop- the shows went well, i'm rested up, and i'm back on my duty.
sorry.
creeps ahoy!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Whoa. What is going on?
I watched Twilight
“I’m writing a book about vampires.”
“Sweet! Classic rules, right? Burn in the sun, can’t enter your home uninvited, cast no reflection…”
“No- I said VAMPIRES! Go where they want, walk around in the daytime, love mirrors. Do it with other dudes at the gas station. Teen girls and frustrated middle aged secretaries alike will all love these tales.”
“You’re a genius! People hate things that make sense! Your nonsense book will sell millions!”
And here we are. Let’s not mince words here, people: Twilight is terrible. Terrible.
Terrible like having a blister on your inner thigh pop open while you’re at work terrible. Terrible like getting your favorite sandwich from that place you like and biting into a corn pad terrible.
But it was fun. As any film fan will attest, there is something magical about a certain type of film that is terrible yet sincerely blind to this awfulness. This is why people love Ed Wood’s films. Ed Wood could have directed Twilight- In fact, it would have made sense. This would have been just the project he’d have been given-
“Ed! There’s a bunch of books about vampires that aren’t really vampires. Dames love em’! See what you can do with them, will ya!?”
Yup. The movie we got feels like someone trying to make sense out of a mess. Twilight is the result of that mess.
No, I haven’t read the book. People keep asking if I have, and my response is the same every time: Of course not! People have assured me that the book is better than the film. I doubt this with all of my heart, but I’ll never know. I take my reading seriously, so I’ll never let any pre-fab pop-crap teeny bopper fan fiction trash like Twilight into my head. But that’s the book- with movies, I’ll watch almost anything!
So, let’s get to it.
Saturday night and a cute girl arrived with her personal copy of Twilight so I could finally see it and share my thoughts. She warned me that it would be dumb and that I wouldn’t like it which is like warning- (Wow. So many inappropriate jokes spring to mind here. Sigh. Since people actually read these things, I’ll go light) which is like warning a Dane Cook audience that the jokes may be slightly unfunny.
The movie begins, and I’m already laughing: there is a guy chasing a dear though the woods in jeans and a leather jacket. I guess this is proper hunting attire, though. I mean, even The Fonz wore a leather jacket when he jumped the shark!
There’s a new girl in town! It’s not Alice, though- this girl moves AWAY from Arizona and to Forks, Washington to live with her father. Her name is Bella and she has the personality of a Kmart bag filled with potatoes. Her old man is the Sheriff, but he never really does anything Sherriffy outside of sporting the proper “law enforcement Mustache”.
When Bella arrives for her first day of school, every Ducky in the joint falls for her immediately. I don’t know, I have a thing for pale girls sometimes too so I can sort of see it. I mean, if Bella had rolled up on Woodlawn High in her previously owned Sanford and Son pick-up, I would have probably take a run at her.
One of the first things they tell you is how unbelievably small this town is- a population of about 3,000. 2,000 of them must go to this school. The place is packed! And so racially diverse for Washington state! As a matter of fact, Bella immediately makes nice with an Asian guy and the black and the indiscriminate mixed race girl!
Twilight: the Barack Obama of shitty vampire movies!
Bella isn’t interested in any of these people once she arrives at her first class and spies Edward.
Bela Legosi, Frank Langella, Christopher Lee- You guys were only “ok” as vampires, so you can suck it! Edward the Vampire is the perfect undead combination of Michael Jackson and Jimmy Fallon that the young girls need to bring them into womanhood!
I should note that there is no subtlety in this film AT ALL. NONE. IN FACT, THE SCRIPT WAS PROBABLY WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS JUST LIKE THIS. Whenever someone hates another person or knows something or feels ways about stuff, you are completely aware of it. This is because that person is given time to glare in slow motion at whatever or whoever needs to be glared at so you don’t miss an important plot point.
Bella walks past an oscillating fan in class, and her scent drives Edward crazy. Again, not in a subtle manner but in a squirming, nose covering way that we can all notice and identify with. I would not have been surprised if he’d put a clothes pin on his nose and fanned away her stink while foppishly singing “Peeyew!”
The next day, Edward is not in class and Bella is intrigued thus proving my point, fellas. Be nice to a girl and she will ignore you. Tell her she stinks, and she will never leave you.
Okay, I’m going to have to skip around here to effectively rip this crap apart.
So, Edward tries to keep Bella way from himself at first because he really wants to eat her ass, and not in a good way. But she won’t listen. So he keeps showing up out of the blue to tell her to stay away from him. Brilliant.
Edward is, of course, a vampire. It takes about an hour for this secret realization to surface. This hour is spent with Bella and Edward sharing montage after montage lying in the forest and talking. We don’t know what they’re talking about, though, because these montages are always covered by the soul stirring sounds of bands you’ve never heard of. So, to recap- we are forced to watch an hour of people talking but we don’t what they’re saying. At least this is countered by a prom dress montage that mentions Bella’s friends plump teen bosom. Can’t go wrong there.
The rest of Edward’s family goes to the same school. They are, as I understand it, supposed to keep a low-profile since they are a family of vampires. The way they do this is by arriving late and in slow motion to school in their Benz’s and jeeps all dressed in white and bling. Also, they pair off with each other even though they’re supposed to be brothers and sisters. Did I mention that this was written by a Mormon chick? How do Vampires fit into God’s plan?
There are evil vampires as well. Though, all vampires by their nature as the offspring of Lilith are evil, but the way Twilight decides to see it is this way: if you eat only animals, you’re a vegetarian and if you eat people you are evil. Also, these vampires don’t burst into flames in the sunlight. They sparkle… like diamonds. They don’t turn into mist or bats, but with the use of terrible, terrible special effects they can “run” really fast and “climb” trees. They can also see the future and, sometimes, the present(?).
Basically, these guys make Lestat look like Jason Statham.
Wait, it gets better- They love baseball. Thing is, they’re so good at it that they can only play during thunder storms lest the locals hear the vampowered crack of Louisville pine and get suspicious.
“You hear that, honey? That was a super powered Fly ball if ever I heard one! That’s a God Dammed vampire playing baseball!”
During the baseball game, the evil vampires show up to play whoever wins, I guess. One of them smells Bella and shit gets real.
Rather than nip this in the bud and destroy the hell out of Evil vamp right then and there, the Good vampires decide to think outside the box. Half the clan drives Bella back to Arizona while the other half wipes her clothing all over local trees to through evil guy off of her trail. Edward even goes so far as to paint a decoy tunnel entrance on the side of a mountain. You can imagine his dismay when evil vamp runs right through as if it were an actual tunnel!
Here comes the thrilling conclusion! Evil vamp runs all the way to Arizona and tricks Bella into a ballet studio. As any of you that have taken ballet know, this would mean a room surrounded in mirrors. The evil Vampire is visible in every one! Wait, what!?
Only after Bella has had her stupid leg broken and been bitten does the family think “Hey, perhaps we should kill this guy.”
That’s right, Bella is bitten by a vampire but that’s okay, because they manage to suck out the vampire poison. Wait, let me type that again in bold, all caps, and italics- THEY MANAGE TO SUCK OUT THE VAMPIRE POISON.
A full two minutes and twenty-two seconds from the bite (yes, I counted) Edward sucks out the poison from the wound, and all is well.
“Oh, and did I tell you? In my book, you can suck out the vampire poison from the wound!”
“You are a top-heavy Einstein of vampire writing, bitch. We’re gonna be rich!”
And that’s the movie. Bella goes to the prom with Edward and begs him to make her a vampire. People walk past and glare at Edward because they know the truth. Edward glares back because he knows that they know, and someone that no one in the cast sees glaring at them, glares at them in order to set up the sequel.
My rule for movies is that they have to be engaging enough to overcome their shortcomings. Twilight didn’t do this in spades.
All in all, though, not the worst film I have ever seen. The fact that so many people loved it is sad, but people like what they like.
The cute girl I watched it with liked it, but at least she agreed with most of the ripping I did on it as we watched. A good sign and hope for the future…
“I’m writing a book about vampires.”
“Sweet! Classic rules, right? Burn in the sun, can’t enter your home uninvited, cast no reflection…”
“No- I said VAMPIRES! Go where they want, walk around in the daytime, love mirrors. Do it with other dudes at the gas station. Teen girls and frustrated middle aged secretaries alike will all love these tales.”
“You’re a genius! People hate things that make sense! Your nonsense book will sell millions!”
And here we are. Let’s not mince words here, people: Twilight is terrible. Terrible.
Terrible like having a blister on your inner thigh pop open while you’re at work terrible. Terrible like getting your favorite sandwich from that place you like and biting into a corn pad terrible.
But it was fun. As any film fan will attest, there is something magical about a certain type of film that is terrible yet sincerely blind to this awfulness. This is why people love Ed Wood’s films. Ed Wood could have directed Twilight- In fact, it would have made sense. This would have been just the project he’d have been given-
“Ed! There’s a bunch of books about vampires that aren’t really vampires. Dames love em’! See what you can do with them, will ya!?”
Yup. The movie we got feels like someone trying to make sense out of a mess. Twilight is the result of that mess.
No, I haven’t read the book. People keep asking if I have, and my response is the same every time: Of course not! People have assured me that the book is better than the film. I doubt this with all of my heart, but I’ll never know. I take my reading seriously, so I’ll never let any pre-fab pop-crap teeny bopper fan fiction trash like Twilight into my head. But that’s the book- with movies, I’ll watch almost anything!
So, let’s get to it.
Saturday night and a cute girl arrived with her personal copy of Twilight so I could finally see it and share my thoughts. She warned me that it would be dumb and that I wouldn’t like it which is like warning- (Wow. So many inappropriate jokes spring to mind here. Sigh. Since people actually read these things, I’ll go light) which is like warning a Dane Cook audience that the jokes may be slightly unfunny.
The movie begins, and I’m already laughing: there is a guy chasing a dear though the woods in jeans and a leather jacket. I guess this is proper hunting attire, though. I mean, even The Fonz wore a leather jacket when he jumped the shark!
There’s a new girl in town! It’s not Alice, though- this girl moves AWAY from Arizona and to Forks, Washington to live with her father. Her name is Bella and she has the personality of a Kmart bag filled with potatoes. Her old man is the Sheriff, but he never really does anything Sherriffy outside of sporting the proper “law enforcement Mustache”.
When Bella arrives for her first day of school, every Ducky in the joint falls for her immediately. I don’t know, I have a thing for pale girls sometimes too so I can sort of see it. I mean, if Bella had rolled up on Woodlawn High in her previously owned Sanford and Son pick-up, I would have probably take a run at her.
One of the first things they tell you is how unbelievably small this town is- a population of about 3,000. 2,000 of them must go to this school. The place is packed! And so racially diverse for Washington state! As a matter of fact, Bella immediately makes nice with an Asian guy and the black and the indiscriminate mixed race girl!
Twilight: the Barack Obama of shitty vampire movies!
Bella isn’t interested in any of these people once she arrives at her first class and spies Edward.
Bela Legosi, Frank Langella, Christopher Lee- You guys were only “ok” as vampires, so you can suck it! Edward the Vampire is the perfect undead combination of Michael Jackson and Jimmy Fallon that the young girls need to bring them into womanhood!
I should note that there is no subtlety in this film AT ALL. NONE. IN FACT, THE SCRIPT WAS PROBABLY WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS JUST LIKE THIS. Whenever someone hates another person or knows something or feels ways about stuff, you are completely aware of it. This is because that person is given time to glare in slow motion at whatever or whoever needs to be glared at so you don’t miss an important plot point.
Bella walks past an oscillating fan in class, and her scent drives Edward crazy. Again, not in a subtle manner but in a squirming, nose covering way that we can all notice and identify with. I would not have been surprised if he’d put a clothes pin on his nose and fanned away her stink while foppishly singing “Peeyew!”
The next day, Edward is not in class and Bella is intrigued thus proving my point, fellas. Be nice to a girl and she will ignore you. Tell her she stinks, and she will never leave you.
Okay, I’m going to have to skip around here to effectively rip this crap apart.
So, Edward tries to keep Bella way from himself at first because he really wants to eat her ass, and not in a good way. But she won’t listen. So he keeps showing up out of the blue to tell her to stay away from him. Brilliant.
Edward is, of course, a vampire. It takes about an hour for this secret realization to surface. This hour is spent with Bella and Edward sharing montage after montage lying in the forest and talking. We don’t know what they’re talking about, though, because these montages are always covered by the soul stirring sounds of bands you’ve never heard of. So, to recap- we are forced to watch an hour of people talking but we don’t what they’re saying. At least this is countered by a prom dress montage that mentions Bella’s friends plump teen bosom. Can’t go wrong there.
The rest of Edward’s family goes to the same school. They are, as I understand it, supposed to keep a low-profile since they are a family of vampires. The way they do this is by arriving late and in slow motion to school in their Benz’s and jeeps all dressed in white and bling. Also, they pair off with each other even though they’re supposed to be brothers and sisters. Did I mention that this was written by a Mormon chick? How do Vampires fit into God’s plan?
There are evil vampires as well. Though, all vampires by their nature as the offspring of Lilith are evil, but the way Twilight decides to see it is this way: if you eat only animals, you’re a vegetarian and if you eat people you are evil. Also, these vampires don’t burst into flames in the sunlight. They sparkle… like diamonds. They don’t turn into mist or bats, but with the use of terrible, terrible special effects they can “run” really fast and “climb” trees. They can also see the future and, sometimes, the present(?).
Basically, these guys make Lestat look like Jason Statham.
Wait, it gets better- They love baseball. Thing is, they’re so good at it that they can only play during thunder storms lest the locals hear the vampowered crack of Louisville pine and get suspicious.
“You hear that, honey? That was a super powered Fly ball if ever I heard one! That’s a God Dammed vampire playing baseball!”
During the baseball game, the evil vampires show up to play whoever wins, I guess. One of them smells Bella and shit gets real.
Rather than nip this in the bud and destroy the hell out of Evil vamp right then and there, the Good vampires decide to think outside the box. Half the clan drives Bella back to Arizona while the other half wipes her clothing all over local trees to through evil guy off of her trail. Edward even goes so far as to paint a decoy tunnel entrance on the side of a mountain. You can imagine his dismay when evil vamp runs right through as if it were an actual tunnel!
Here comes the thrilling conclusion! Evil vamp runs all the way to Arizona and tricks Bella into a ballet studio. As any of you that have taken ballet know, this would mean a room surrounded in mirrors. The evil Vampire is visible in every one! Wait, what!?
Only after Bella has had her stupid leg broken and been bitten does the family think “Hey, perhaps we should kill this guy.”
That’s right, Bella is bitten by a vampire but that’s okay, because they manage to suck out the vampire poison. Wait, let me type that again in bold, all caps, and italics- THEY MANAGE TO SUCK OUT THE VAMPIRE POISON.
A full two minutes and twenty-two seconds from the bite (yes, I counted) Edward sucks out the poison from the wound, and all is well.
“Oh, and did I tell you? In my book, you can suck out the vampire poison from the wound!”
“You are a top-heavy Einstein of vampire writing, bitch. We’re gonna be rich!”
And that’s the movie. Bella goes to the prom with Edward and begs him to make her a vampire. People walk past and glare at Edward because they know the truth. Edward glares back because he knows that they know, and someone that no one in the cast sees glaring at them, glares at them in order to set up the sequel.
My rule for movies is that they have to be engaging enough to overcome their shortcomings. Twilight didn’t do this in spades.
All in all, though, not the worst film I have ever seen. The fact that so many people loved it is sad, but people like what they like.
The cute girl I watched it with liked it, but at least she agreed with most of the ripping I did on it as we watched. A good sign and hope for the future…
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Fabulous? : I watched Sex and the City
It’s a good thing my religion’s stance on suicide is clear, because 2 minutes into this mess I was ready to Eliot Smith.
Alright, let’s back up…
Last year I talked about how stupid I found the idea of a Sex and the City movie and how I’d eventually have to watch it to make sure I wasn’t being too rough on the thing.
Now that I’ve seen it, I have to admit… I wasn’t rough enough!
What a completely shitty and unnecessary film. It was a whopping two and a half hours long! Watchmen was only two and forty three minutes, and it actually had something to say! So, Sex and the City was nearly three hours long and it took me four hours to watch it because I kept stopping the movie to swearing at the screen and cut myself.
Why was this even a movie at all? The plot could be summed up in a Knock-Knock joke:
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Unappealing Tramps.
Okay, you may want to get your Google machine ready. I’m playing it fast and loose here so I can get though it all-
First, there is Carrie- The ugly one. Her story arc involves wanting to marry Chris Noth, Chris Noth realizing that she is ugly and leaving, Carrie taking the honeymoon trip with the other crones, and then Carrie coming back and marrying the guy anyway. All of this involves some $400 shoes and Carrie hiring Jennefer Hudson as an assistant.
Poor Jennifer Hudson. Her beautiful top heaviness is only matched by her inability to make any of the tired and uninspired jokes about Louis Vuitton sound natural. I’m wondering if that Oscar of hers was given to her less for her acting ability and more for that junk in her trunk. If so, then the Academy HAS been reading my letters!
Whenever Carrie would strain to twist her face into some sort of visage of human emotion, I couldn’t help but imagine Margaret Hamilton in full Wicked Witch make-up trying to make me feel sad for her. It didn’t work. There was also a montage of Carrie trying on incredibly ugly clothing for her friends. I have absolutely no idea how this advanced the plot, but what do I know? I’ve only been writing and watching movies for the last 30 years. I know little about fashion outside of Doc Martens and Ecko Jeans, but does everyone in New York really dress like they’re auditioning for a Grace Jones vampire film?
While watching these “scenes” unfold, I wondered what sort of unimaginative old maid this film was intended to entertain. There wasn’t so much a plot as there were a series of excuses designed for unnecessarily frightening close-ups. Then I remembered that I knew plenty of young, well educated women that saw and enjoyed this movie. I guess I could compare it with my fascination with graphic French gore films. It’s fun to watch situations of confusing horror on screen, whether you understand it or not.
Which brings us to another montage: Carrie tries on wedding dresses. Get this- apparently the designer of one particular dress thought she looked so great in it that he gives it to her! Again, I don’t know anything about designers- let’s say it was Vidal Sassoon. I can only imagine that there was a subplot where Vidal sees Carrie’s face stretching out the time and space around his dress and he says “Oh La-la! The dress, she is tainted no? Let the ugly tranny keep it!” or something to that effect.
Also, call me old fashioned, but I don’t know if a 40 year old battle strumpet should be wearing white to her wedding. I’m just saying.
Now, on to Samantha. Samantha or as I’ll be calling her, the Old One, had a pretty stupid story arc. First of all, ladies, don’t be offended that I call her the old one. It has been documented in this paper many times that I myself am a fan of ladies that are a wee bit older than I. I call Samantha the old one because I’m hoping that she’ll read this and cry. So, the Old One lives in California now. But you wouldn’t know it because every time the scenes shifted, she’d be hobbling towards the camera and the others would act excited and surprised to see her. She’s having some troubles of her own because back home she’s managed to trick some guy into wanting to see her naked. But she can’t be loyal to him when there is another guy next door she’d rather be banging. So, bottom line, she is a slut. Not only this, but the audience is supposed to sympathize with her urge to be a trollop. Some of the hilarious steps she takes to not be a slut are: buying a dog that humps everything. HAHAHAHA! See? Because the dog reminds her of herself!? She eats a lot of cake. ZING! She shops a lot! POW! You can’t stop women from shopping! Finally, she leaves the guy so she can go back to New York, where she always happened to be anyway, and slut it up with the rest of the dogs playing poker that she hangs with.
Miranda, the Skeksis looking redhead, has problems of her own I guess. She won’t bang her husband so he goes out to get it somewhere else. She gets angry and leaves him. After this two hours are spent with the other tramps all wanting to tell her that she should probably go back to him. There are jokes about how she doesn’t shave her “area” (Word! No hating on Seventies style!) And finally, we get to see her topless, which isn’t as bad as it could’ve been.
Finally, the Sort-of-Cute one. I don’t remember her name- but it doesn’t matter! She didn’t do anything. Oh wait, she craps herself. Yup. Women can give me shit about loving The Three Stooges. They can call me out for my love of Judd Apatow. I even had a dame get sniffy with me because I loved Knocked Up. It was “A man’s pregnancy movie” she said, which still makes no sense to me. Whatever. Sex and they City had a cheap, badly executed “Mexican water makes you crap” joke. The ONLY way they could have made this work would have been to actually show it rather than settling for bad crap sfx.
So, bottom line: I have seen Sex and the City, and it has helped me to redefine my levels of Apathy and general Hatred. I find it hard to understand any educated woman that enjoyed this mess, and I need them to tell me why.
Sidenote: Did you know that there are actually tours of New York where ladies ride on a bus to some of the places from the movie and series, then they are taken to a shoe store to purchase a pair of ill fitting and ugly pumps that cost more that a Blu-ray player? Gay.
I’m sorry I ever made fun of Trekkies. At least they have imagination. Speaking of which, my next challenge is to make it through Twilight. May God have mercy on my soul if it makes me eat a box of thumbtacks.
Alright, let’s back up…
Last year I talked about how stupid I found the idea of a Sex and the City movie and how I’d eventually have to watch it to make sure I wasn’t being too rough on the thing.
Now that I’ve seen it, I have to admit… I wasn’t rough enough!
What a completely shitty and unnecessary film. It was a whopping two and a half hours long! Watchmen was only two and forty three minutes, and it actually had something to say! So, Sex and the City was nearly three hours long and it took me four hours to watch it because I kept stopping the movie to swearing at the screen and cut myself.
Why was this even a movie at all? The plot could be summed up in a Knock-Knock joke:
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Unappealing Tramps.
Okay, you may want to get your Google machine ready. I’m playing it fast and loose here so I can get though it all-
First, there is Carrie- The ugly one. Her story arc involves wanting to marry Chris Noth, Chris Noth realizing that she is ugly and leaving, Carrie taking the honeymoon trip with the other crones, and then Carrie coming back and marrying the guy anyway. All of this involves some $400 shoes and Carrie hiring Jennefer Hudson as an assistant.
Poor Jennifer Hudson. Her beautiful top heaviness is only matched by her inability to make any of the tired and uninspired jokes about Louis Vuitton sound natural. I’m wondering if that Oscar of hers was given to her less for her acting ability and more for that junk in her trunk. If so, then the Academy HAS been reading my letters!
Whenever Carrie would strain to twist her face into some sort of visage of human emotion, I couldn’t help but imagine Margaret Hamilton in full Wicked Witch make-up trying to make me feel sad for her. It didn’t work. There was also a montage of Carrie trying on incredibly ugly clothing for her friends. I have absolutely no idea how this advanced the plot, but what do I know? I’ve only been writing and watching movies for the last 30 years. I know little about fashion outside of Doc Martens and Ecko Jeans, but does everyone in New York really dress like they’re auditioning for a Grace Jones vampire film?
While watching these “scenes” unfold, I wondered what sort of unimaginative old maid this film was intended to entertain. There wasn’t so much a plot as there were a series of excuses designed for unnecessarily frightening close-ups. Then I remembered that I knew plenty of young, well educated women that saw and enjoyed this movie. I guess I could compare it with my fascination with graphic French gore films. It’s fun to watch situations of confusing horror on screen, whether you understand it or not.
Which brings us to another montage: Carrie tries on wedding dresses. Get this- apparently the designer of one particular dress thought she looked so great in it that he gives it to her! Again, I don’t know anything about designers- let’s say it was Vidal Sassoon. I can only imagine that there was a subplot where Vidal sees Carrie’s face stretching out the time and space around his dress and he says “Oh La-la! The dress, she is tainted no? Let the ugly tranny keep it!” or something to that effect.
Also, call me old fashioned, but I don’t know if a 40 year old battle strumpet should be wearing white to her wedding. I’m just saying.
Now, on to Samantha. Samantha or as I’ll be calling her, the Old One, had a pretty stupid story arc. First of all, ladies, don’t be offended that I call her the old one. It has been documented in this paper many times that I myself am a fan of ladies that are a wee bit older than I. I call Samantha the old one because I’m hoping that she’ll read this and cry. So, the Old One lives in California now. But you wouldn’t know it because every time the scenes shifted, she’d be hobbling towards the camera and the others would act excited and surprised to see her. She’s having some troubles of her own because back home she’s managed to trick some guy into wanting to see her naked. But she can’t be loyal to him when there is another guy next door she’d rather be banging. So, bottom line, she is a slut. Not only this, but the audience is supposed to sympathize with her urge to be a trollop. Some of the hilarious steps she takes to not be a slut are: buying a dog that humps everything. HAHAHAHA! See? Because the dog reminds her of herself!? She eats a lot of cake. ZING! She shops a lot! POW! You can’t stop women from shopping! Finally, she leaves the guy so she can go back to New York, where she always happened to be anyway, and slut it up with the rest of the dogs playing poker that she hangs with.
Miranda, the Skeksis looking redhead, has problems of her own I guess. She won’t bang her husband so he goes out to get it somewhere else. She gets angry and leaves him. After this two hours are spent with the other tramps all wanting to tell her that she should probably go back to him. There are jokes about how she doesn’t shave her “area” (Word! No hating on Seventies style!) And finally, we get to see her topless, which isn’t as bad as it could’ve been.
Finally, the Sort-of-Cute one. I don’t remember her name- but it doesn’t matter! She didn’t do anything. Oh wait, she craps herself. Yup. Women can give me shit about loving The Three Stooges. They can call me out for my love of Judd Apatow. I even had a dame get sniffy with me because I loved Knocked Up. It was “A man’s pregnancy movie” she said, which still makes no sense to me. Whatever. Sex and they City had a cheap, badly executed “Mexican water makes you crap” joke. The ONLY way they could have made this work would have been to actually show it rather than settling for bad crap sfx.
So, bottom line: I have seen Sex and the City, and it has helped me to redefine my levels of Apathy and general Hatred. I find it hard to understand any educated woman that enjoyed this mess, and I need them to tell me why.
Sidenote: Did you know that there are actually tours of New York where ladies ride on a bus to some of the places from the movie and series, then they are taken to a shoe store to purchase a pair of ill fitting and ugly pumps that cost more that a Blu-ray player? Gay.
I’m sorry I ever made fun of Trekkies. At least they have imagination. Speaking of which, my next challenge is to make it through Twilight. May God have mercy on my soul if it makes me eat a box of thumbtacks.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
“Cowboys and Copters”
Hey! Wasn't I supposed to put some writing on this here blog? my bad!
Here is part one of the Tex adventure of party crashers.
Don't forget to read Uncanny Alfie and Dexter Pepper!
INT. Bank lobby DAY
The guard’s eyes water, then roll back in his head as Smoke pours from a revolver on the opposite side of the room.
The gun belongs to Tex. He is trembling, breathing heavily, and wearing a bandanna mask around his mouth.
The bank floor is covered with the bodies of customers, security guards and dead cowboys. Chip and Tex are the only ones standing.
In the background, a woman screams.
Blood bubbles from Chips mouth and from the back of his head, the exit wound.
His hand is still near his holster as he sways, and finally falls to the ground.
In the background, the woman continues to scream.
Tex turns and points his gun at her.
TEX: Ma’am, please shut up! Shut the hell up…
She does.
Tex begins to back up towards the door when he hears a cough…
VOICE: Tex (coughing). Tex…
Tex looks around to find the source of the voice.
TEX: Tex? Where are you?
A hand rises, and Tex climbs over the fallen bodies to the man.
TEX: God, Tex! You’re shot!
TEX 2: Don’t you think I know that, boy?
TEX: I gotta git you outta here!
TEX 2: Boy, are you touched? I’m dead! Get out of here, take the money and run!
TEX: But, Tex-
TEX 2: go on, git! Or I’ll shoot you myself!
TEX: I ain’t leavin’ a man behind!
Tex puts the bags of money on Tex’s chest and proceeds to pull him outside.
EXT. Bank DAY
Outside, the streets are almost barren except for a few people hiding in doorways and behind cars. Tex is at the edge of the sidewalk with Tex when he hears the sirens.
TEX 2: Boy, git the hell out of here! They’re coming!
TEX: I ain’t leavin’ you!
TEX 2: You high falutin’ pansy! They’re gonna hang your ass from the highest tree in the county!
TEX: But, daddy!
TEX 2: I said git!
Daddy Tex puts a gun to his own head.
Tex watches as his father shoots himself. He flinches and looks away, tears streaming from his eyes, then grabs the money from his fathers’ chest and spins towards the street to find a Ferrari behind him.
He jumps and slides across the hood of the beautiful machine and into the street and begins to look around for something.
He puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles.
TEX: Julia!
A striking black horse charges up the opposite side of the street. She makes a u-turn and stops at Tex.
He jumps onto the Philly, boots her sides and they take off.
As they do, ten or so police cars round the corner in hot pursuit.
Tex rides Julia like a bat out of hell, the cops fast gaining.
Julia drifts as she rounds a sharp corner.
A couple of the cops attempt the same, but slam into each other and into cars in the intersection, exploding.
Tex ducks the flying cop car debris as he continues his escape.
Suddenly, there is a helicopter in pursuit.
COPTER LOUD SPEAKER: This is the police! Stop your horse and surrender now!
Tex does not.
One of the cops in the copter begins to fire on Tex with a machine gun.
Julia dodges the shots as quickly as she can, until Tex pulls hard on her reigns.
They turn and start towards the copter.
The pilot tries to fly so that the gunner can hit Tex.
PILOT: This bastard buckaroo is crazy!
Tex and Julia dodge the fire, and head directly for the oncoming police cars.
Finally, Tex rides under the copter, passing it.
The copter turns and continues after the man and his horse.
The gunman starts to fire again.
Tex rides harder and harder, getting closer and closer to the oncoming cars.
TEX: Hyah!
Julia jumps and runs atop the cops, jumping from car to car!
The gunman continues to shoot, hitting each car as Tex passes over them.
PILOT: You crazy bastard!! Hold your fire!
GUNMAN: Screw that! I’m gonna tag this sonovabitch!
INT. Cop car DAY
Officer frantically make radio announcement.
OFFICER: I repeat, look out for friendly fire!!
Through the windshield, the cop sees the oncoming cowboy and the still firing copter behind him.
The cop screams just before he is perforated by a hale of bullets.
Tex pulls his revolver out, and shoots behind himself without looking.
EXT. Police headquarters DAY
Cops run out onto the tarmac as alarms sound.
LOUD SPEAKER: We have men down! Unnecessary force in the pursuit has been authorized.
INT. Copter DAY
The pilot is hit in the forehead with a bullet.
He slumps forward, and the copter begins to drop and spin.
GUNMAN: What the-!?
He loses control of the gun, and starts to shoot up a row of high-rise buildings.
INT. office building DAY
The workers are all blessed with piercing rounds of machine gun fire.
Tex reaches the end of the police cars just as the copter crashes down into them in a massive explosion.
He looks back to see the fiery propeller spinning towards him
Tex and Julia barrel into the entrance of the subway.
The propeller ricochets off a large truck, off a building, then into the entrance.
Tex rides as hard as he can as the propeller blades hit the walls and stairs of the tunnel and follow him as if it was trying to catch him!
He drives Julia through the crowd, screaming.
TEX: Git down, everybody! Git down!
The commuters just stare in bewilderment as Tex jumps onto the tracks.
Suddenly, the blade flies through the crowd, slicing many, missing few.
It almost catches Tex, but it slams into the side of the train that seems to scream along the tracks from nowhere.
Tex continues to ride away from the speeding train into the darkness of the tunnel…
The train also explodes, for good measure…
INT. Warehouse DAY
Tex runs into the abandoned warehouse carrying the moneybags. He checks the windows and locks the doors.
Tex is still breathing heavily as he takes off his mask and slumps to the floor.
EXT. Warehouse NIGHT
A team of soldiers advances quietly on the warehouse. They are all heavily armed.
Inside the warehouse, Tex is asleep clutching the money when guns are drawn on him and flashlights awaken him.
LT.FUN: Get up, you lousy piece of dirt!
The group beats Tex unmercifully, kicking and punching him as his gun is kicked away.
INT. Courtroom DAY
Tex stands in front of the board of judges’ bench receiving his sentencing.
JUDGE: 29 counts of manslaughter, 4 counts of murder, 268 counts of reckless endangerment.
INT. Prison DAY
Tex sits in his cell, dressed in striped a uniform including his cowboy hat.
VOICE OF JUDGE: 33 consecutive life sentences.
A guard walks up to Tex’s cell and stops.
GUARD: Hey, cowboy! They shot your horse this morning!
TEX: No! Julia…
NEXT TIME: Tex Breaks out.
Here is part one of the Tex adventure of party crashers.
Don't forget to read Uncanny Alfie and Dexter Pepper!
INT. Bank lobby DAY
The guard’s eyes water, then roll back in his head as Smoke pours from a revolver on the opposite side of the room.
The gun belongs to Tex. He is trembling, breathing heavily, and wearing a bandanna mask around his mouth.
The bank floor is covered with the bodies of customers, security guards and dead cowboys. Chip and Tex are the only ones standing.
In the background, a woman screams.
Blood bubbles from Chips mouth and from the back of his head, the exit wound.
His hand is still near his holster as he sways, and finally falls to the ground.
In the background, the woman continues to scream.
Tex turns and points his gun at her.
TEX: Ma’am, please shut up! Shut the hell up…
She does.
Tex begins to back up towards the door when he hears a cough…
VOICE: Tex (coughing). Tex…
Tex looks around to find the source of the voice.
TEX: Tex? Where are you?
A hand rises, and Tex climbs over the fallen bodies to the man.
TEX: God, Tex! You’re shot!
TEX 2: Don’t you think I know that, boy?
TEX: I gotta git you outta here!
TEX 2: Boy, are you touched? I’m dead! Get out of here, take the money and run!
TEX: But, Tex-
TEX 2: go on, git! Or I’ll shoot you myself!
TEX: I ain’t leavin’ a man behind!
Tex puts the bags of money on Tex’s chest and proceeds to pull him outside.
EXT. Bank DAY
Outside, the streets are almost barren except for a few people hiding in doorways and behind cars. Tex is at the edge of the sidewalk with Tex when he hears the sirens.
TEX 2: Boy, git the hell out of here! They’re coming!
TEX: I ain’t leavin’ you!
TEX 2: You high falutin’ pansy! They’re gonna hang your ass from the highest tree in the county!
TEX: But, daddy!
TEX 2: I said git!
Daddy Tex puts a gun to his own head.
Tex watches as his father shoots himself. He flinches and looks away, tears streaming from his eyes, then grabs the money from his fathers’ chest and spins towards the street to find a Ferrari behind him.
He jumps and slides across the hood of the beautiful machine and into the street and begins to look around for something.
He puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles.
TEX: Julia!
A striking black horse charges up the opposite side of the street. She makes a u-turn and stops at Tex.
He jumps onto the Philly, boots her sides and they take off.
As they do, ten or so police cars round the corner in hot pursuit.
Tex rides Julia like a bat out of hell, the cops fast gaining.
Julia drifts as she rounds a sharp corner.
A couple of the cops attempt the same, but slam into each other and into cars in the intersection, exploding.
Tex ducks the flying cop car debris as he continues his escape.
Suddenly, there is a helicopter in pursuit.
COPTER LOUD SPEAKER: This is the police! Stop your horse and surrender now!
Tex does not.
One of the cops in the copter begins to fire on Tex with a machine gun.
Julia dodges the shots as quickly as she can, until Tex pulls hard on her reigns.
They turn and start towards the copter.
The pilot tries to fly so that the gunner can hit Tex.
PILOT: This bastard buckaroo is crazy!
Tex and Julia dodge the fire, and head directly for the oncoming police cars.
Finally, Tex rides under the copter, passing it.
The copter turns and continues after the man and his horse.
The gunman starts to fire again.
Tex rides harder and harder, getting closer and closer to the oncoming cars.
TEX: Hyah!
Julia jumps and runs atop the cops, jumping from car to car!
The gunman continues to shoot, hitting each car as Tex passes over them.
PILOT: You crazy bastard!! Hold your fire!
GUNMAN: Screw that! I’m gonna tag this sonovabitch!
INT. Cop car DAY
Officer frantically make radio announcement.
OFFICER: I repeat, look out for friendly fire!!
Through the windshield, the cop sees the oncoming cowboy and the still firing copter behind him.
The cop screams just before he is perforated by a hale of bullets.
Tex pulls his revolver out, and shoots behind himself without looking.
EXT. Police headquarters DAY
Cops run out onto the tarmac as alarms sound.
LOUD SPEAKER: We have men down! Unnecessary force in the pursuit has been authorized.
INT. Copter DAY
The pilot is hit in the forehead with a bullet.
He slumps forward, and the copter begins to drop and spin.
GUNMAN: What the-!?
He loses control of the gun, and starts to shoot up a row of high-rise buildings.
INT. office building DAY
The workers are all blessed with piercing rounds of machine gun fire.
Tex reaches the end of the police cars just as the copter crashes down into them in a massive explosion.
He looks back to see the fiery propeller spinning towards him
Tex and Julia barrel into the entrance of the subway.
The propeller ricochets off a large truck, off a building, then into the entrance.
Tex rides as hard as he can as the propeller blades hit the walls and stairs of the tunnel and follow him as if it was trying to catch him!
He drives Julia through the crowd, screaming.
TEX: Git down, everybody! Git down!
The commuters just stare in bewilderment as Tex jumps onto the tracks.
Suddenly, the blade flies through the crowd, slicing many, missing few.
It almost catches Tex, but it slams into the side of the train that seems to scream along the tracks from nowhere.
Tex continues to ride away from the speeding train into the darkness of the tunnel…
The train also explodes, for good measure…
INT. Warehouse DAY
Tex runs into the abandoned warehouse carrying the moneybags. He checks the windows and locks the doors.
Tex is still breathing heavily as he takes off his mask and slumps to the floor.
EXT. Warehouse NIGHT
A team of soldiers advances quietly on the warehouse. They are all heavily armed.
Inside the warehouse, Tex is asleep clutching the money when guns are drawn on him and flashlights awaken him.
LT.FUN: Get up, you lousy piece of dirt!
The group beats Tex unmercifully, kicking and punching him as his gun is kicked away.
INT. Courtroom DAY
Tex stands in front of the board of judges’ bench receiving his sentencing.
JUDGE: 29 counts of manslaughter, 4 counts of murder, 268 counts of reckless endangerment.
INT. Prison DAY
Tex sits in his cell, dressed in striped a uniform including his cowboy hat.
VOICE OF JUDGE: 33 consecutive life sentences.
A guard walks up to Tex’s cell and stops.
GUARD: Hey, cowboy! They shot your horse this morning!
TEX: No! Julia…
NEXT TIME: Tex Breaks out.
Tex Breaks Out
Part 1: Tex is a common name among the dead
(Wherein Tex arrives at prison and is given the briefest of rundowns on the status quo)
Here is how it works.
The blacks are split into the gang bangers and the Muslims. The Muslims spend their time trying to atone and make themselves better. Most of the bangers deal H. they only deal with people that deal with the H but they will not hesitate to shank you if they feel even the slightest bit disrespected. I strongly urge you to stay away from them unless you’re just really light skinned and I don’t know about it.
The white power boys deal H as well, but have a slight advantage because they’re less likely to use their own product. They are more likely, though, to catch you slipping and punk you out. So watch your step around them. They’ll tell you what they want to hear, and then use you up in the name of mighty whiteness. They’re knife happy and willing to do whatever they have to do to spread the gospel of the so called master race. You’d think they’d manage to stay out of the pen if they were so smart…
The Ventriloquists are an odd lot. They only respect you if you respect their dummies. it might seem weird at first, but you have to talk to the wooden men before you can even think about getting anything of use around here. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to get in good with a ventriloquist, because they are really good at acquiring things in a pinch, and their prices ore usually reasonable. They pretty much control the entire swag network in the yard. I’d recommend you talk to Bookie if you want anything. He’s not the one that will get you what you want but if you get on his good side then his ventriloquist, Dexter Pepper, will take good care of you. Stroke mags, little Debbie cakes, fireworks, whatever a growing boy needs to survive 33 consecutive life sentences.
The clowns are normally a quiet bunch, and they can even be entertaining at times. Mostly, all they do is spend time lifting weights and practicing pratfalls. I’ll warn you not to let their inherent hilarity make you drop your guard. I’ll put it to you this way: I’m 48 years old and until I was in prison, I’d never seen anyone beaten to death. Since I’ve been in prison, I’ve seen it happen 6 times, and every time it was a clown doing the beating. See that guy? In the red nose and black mouth make up? That’s Zep. When he first came through, a few of the Aryans thought they’d have a go at him because he looked skinny and weak. They cornered him in the kitchen and tried to get at him, and he commenced to kick them all to beyond the point of facial reconstructive surgery. They all live in the freak wing now with the fire eaters and the bearded ladyboys.
Stay away from the magicians completely. They’re shifty, crooked, and the whole bunch of them is rats. In here they aren’t really able to use their magic because of the electromagnetic shielding in the walls, but that doesn’t stop them from using slight of hand to get what they want. A magician might tell you he’s your friend- he’s not. He might tell you he’ll help you- he won’t at the end of the day, they’re all out for self. The only good part is that they spend so much time double crossing and screwing each other over that they rarely have time to mess with anyone else. The only time I’ve ever seen them come together was because Johnny Cadabra and Amazing Carlo put word out that anyone who could put a shiv into Uncanny Alfie’s face would be a rich prestidigitator when he got out of here. Somehow, Alfie avoided two weeks worth of attempts on his life before he gave the warden something on the bangers and got shipped to protective custody. Now he’s got the blacks and the Magician’s brotherhood after him.
The mimes, well, everyone pretty much ignores them.
You’re lucky, son. There is a strong Cowboy presence at this prison. We completely run C block, and were in charge of the kitchen.
I knew your pa.
Tex and I used to ride together during the days of the El Paso connection before loco Johnny Jackson testified against the Five Posses and dang near crew everything up. But I rode with Tex, and he was a good man. You seem like a good man to. I can get you a job in the kitchen almost immediately and try to get you integrated around here. You can do your time real easy and peaceful like if you want. If you want to serve uneasily, well I can’t say I blame you. Your pa wouldn’t have taken to living 33 life sentences away from the open plains and his horse too easily- I don’t recon you will either. You want to make you bone in here, you gotta do a murder right away. I’ll give you your chance soon. The Cowboys and the Log Cabin republicans are going to war.
Tex thought about all Tex had told him- about the other men here. He thought about how he could ease into the life quietly if he wanted to. He thought about the Cowboy war with the L.C.R.
Tex didn’t plan on either one of these options. He chose option “C”- break out of prison. They had killed his Pa, tried to lock him up forever and worst of all, killed his horse. He wasn’t going to let him get away with that. Whoever had set the bank robbery up knew that it was a bust. Someone had alerted the cops to the entire thing. It was a set up and Tex was going to make whoever was in on it pay.
The best part was, he’d have help. He knew that the clowns could be violent psychopaths, but he and Zep had worked for Uncle Zeke’s Laughing Academy a few years back, pulling odd jobs at kid’s birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
He didn’t have to get in good with a Ventriloquist dummy because he already was in. Dexter Pepper and Bookie used to move all the unmovable product Tex stole back before the El Paso Connection.
Tex knew that magicians were a shifty lot, but that’s because he’d worked closely with one of the worst- Uncanny Alfie. Tex had saved his life once, though, so he was owed at least a little loyalty he thought.
Tex even had a friend in the Mime camp.
He didn’t know how yet, but he was going to break out of this place- he and his rag-tag group of party crasher were going to bust out of the joint, and any man that got in there way was going to take one in the head…
…For Julia.
NEXT TIME: I don’t know- something about robots or something…
(Wherein Tex arrives at prison and is given the briefest of rundowns on the status quo)
Here is how it works.
The blacks are split into the gang bangers and the Muslims. The Muslims spend their time trying to atone and make themselves better. Most of the bangers deal H. they only deal with people that deal with the H but they will not hesitate to shank you if they feel even the slightest bit disrespected. I strongly urge you to stay away from them unless you’re just really light skinned and I don’t know about it.
The white power boys deal H as well, but have a slight advantage because they’re less likely to use their own product. They are more likely, though, to catch you slipping and punk you out. So watch your step around them. They’ll tell you what they want to hear, and then use you up in the name of mighty whiteness. They’re knife happy and willing to do whatever they have to do to spread the gospel of the so called master race. You’d think they’d manage to stay out of the pen if they were so smart…
The Ventriloquists are an odd lot. They only respect you if you respect their dummies. it might seem weird at first, but you have to talk to the wooden men before you can even think about getting anything of use around here. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to get in good with a ventriloquist, because they are really good at acquiring things in a pinch, and their prices ore usually reasonable. They pretty much control the entire swag network in the yard. I’d recommend you talk to Bookie if you want anything. He’s not the one that will get you what you want but if you get on his good side then his ventriloquist, Dexter Pepper, will take good care of you. Stroke mags, little Debbie cakes, fireworks, whatever a growing boy needs to survive 33 consecutive life sentences.
The clowns are normally a quiet bunch, and they can even be entertaining at times. Mostly, all they do is spend time lifting weights and practicing pratfalls. I’ll warn you not to let their inherent hilarity make you drop your guard. I’ll put it to you this way: I’m 48 years old and until I was in prison, I’d never seen anyone beaten to death. Since I’ve been in prison, I’ve seen it happen 6 times, and every time it was a clown doing the beating. See that guy? In the red nose and black mouth make up? That’s Zep. When he first came through, a few of the Aryans thought they’d have a go at him because he looked skinny and weak. They cornered him in the kitchen and tried to get at him, and he commenced to kick them all to beyond the point of facial reconstructive surgery. They all live in the freak wing now with the fire eaters and the bearded ladyboys.
Stay away from the magicians completely. They’re shifty, crooked, and the whole bunch of them is rats. In here they aren’t really able to use their magic because of the electromagnetic shielding in the walls, but that doesn’t stop them from using slight of hand to get what they want. A magician might tell you he’s your friend- he’s not. He might tell you he’ll help you- he won’t at the end of the day, they’re all out for self. The only good part is that they spend so much time double crossing and screwing each other over that they rarely have time to mess with anyone else. The only time I’ve ever seen them come together was because Johnny Cadabra and Amazing Carlo put word out that anyone who could put a shiv into Uncanny Alfie’s face would be a rich prestidigitator when he got out of here. Somehow, Alfie avoided two weeks worth of attempts on his life before he gave the warden something on the bangers and got shipped to protective custody. Now he’s got the blacks and the Magician’s brotherhood after him.
The mimes, well, everyone pretty much ignores them.
You’re lucky, son. There is a strong Cowboy presence at this prison. We completely run C block, and were in charge of the kitchen.
I knew your pa.
Tex and I used to ride together during the days of the El Paso connection before loco Johnny Jackson testified against the Five Posses and dang near crew everything up. But I rode with Tex, and he was a good man. You seem like a good man to. I can get you a job in the kitchen almost immediately and try to get you integrated around here. You can do your time real easy and peaceful like if you want. If you want to serve uneasily, well I can’t say I blame you. Your pa wouldn’t have taken to living 33 life sentences away from the open plains and his horse too easily- I don’t recon you will either. You want to make you bone in here, you gotta do a murder right away. I’ll give you your chance soon. The Cowboys and the Log Cabin republicans are going to war.
Tex thought about all Tex had told him- about the other men here. He thought about how he could ease into the life quietly if he wanted to. He thought about the Cowboy war with the L.C.R.
Tex didn’t plan on either one of these options. He chose option “C”- break out of prison. They had killed his Pa, tried to lock him up forever and worst of all, killed his horse. He wasn’t going to let him get away with that. Whoever had set the bank robbery up knew that it was a bust. Someone had alerted the cops to the entire thing. It was a set up and Tex was going to make whoever was in on it pay.
The best part was, he’d have help. He knew that the clowns could be violent psychopaths, but he and Zep had worked for Uncle Zeke’s Laughing Academy a few years back, pulling odd jobs at kid’s birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
He didn’t have to get in good with a Ventriloquist dummy because he already was in. Dexter Pepper and Bookie used to move all the unmovable product Tex stole back before the El Paso Connection.
Tex knew that magicians were a shifty lot, but that’s because he’d worked closely with one of the worst- Uncanny Alfie. Tex had saved his life once, though, so he was owed at least a little loyalty he thought.
Tex even had a friend in the Mime camp.
He didn’t know how yet, but he was going to break out of this place- he and his rag-tag group of party crasher were going to bust out of the joint, and any man that got in there way was going to take one in the head…
…For Julia.
NEXT TIME: I don’t know- something about robots or something…
Tex Breaks Out
Part 2: Fifty-Two
(Wherein things get sticky)
You have to be careful behind bars, because anything can be used as a weapon. This is especially true when you’re talking about this particular prison.
In Henning State Maximum Security Prison, you are always in danger of being seriously injured or killed by the most mundane of objects.
We aren’t talking the typical shiv made from a sharpened spoon or mattress spring. We’re talking things like bottles caps propelled at top speed through the memory center of the brain, or being choked to death by magic beans.
This is why the prison was always surrounded by a heavy duty of electro magnetic field. It detected any magical implements that could be smuggled in, and detected any magicians that might be smuggled out.
If you were going to be using a weapon in Henning state, you had to be very, very creative.
In a place where the definition of contraband includes almost everything, knowing a man like Dexter Pepper was important. Dexter and his little wooden friend Bookie could bet almost anything into the jail. The secret was in knowing what guard to approach, and how long to keep him on the take. At one point, Dexter had almost ever guard at the Penn smuggling in product for him. Now, there was a different problem. The Log Cabin Republicans had stepped in and were trying to oust the Ventriloquist from his place as go to guy. As much as he hated it, he had to make ice with them in order to get a very special product from outside- the one thing that would tip the scales and get their crew out of the Penn.
For the last week, Uncanny Alfie had been holed up in protective custody. The guards had noticed that he’d stopped shaking as much. He’d stopped sweating. He didn’t yell at all hours of the night any more. All he did in his small cell was stare quietly at the wall, and then at his hands.
The guards noticed that his hands were incredibly steady. It was uncanny.
Zep and the other clowns had been pumping iron even more than usual. They were like animals. They worked out any chance they could get, and when they weren’t working out, they were beating the crap out of each other. They were toughening up for something…
Meanwhile, Tex was in a difficult spot because a major war was brewing between the Cowboys and the Log Cabin Republicans. Big Tex had sat down with the LCR leaders: Mitchell “Lil’ Bit” Johnson, Carlton “Aunt Mame” Fontaine, and Blaine “Bareback” Kennedy to try and work things out.
It didn’t seem to go so well.
Tex figured that he’d go to talk them on his own. He had to. If his plan to break out of here was going to work, then there could be no weak links. He had to get out of this place and find out who had set him and his Pa up on that bank job.
He had to know who was behind the death of his horse.
It was a Saturday morning when the truck arrived. Tex had made a deal with the LCR, which he was sure that they would keep, even though he knew they could never really be trusted.
Dexter approached the driver while the guards were preoccupied, and let Bookie do the talking. Soon he had his package.
The next step was to get inside to see Alfie. This would be difficult. They’d managed to get the occasional message to him, because Dexter was in charge of the Book cart that took things to read to the various prisoners in various parts of the prison. But the package that Dexter had today was the most dangerous of contraband, especially in the hands of a magician- especially Alfie.
Dexter placed small package into a copy of the Joy of Cooking and headed for Protective custody.
Meanwhile, Tex made sure that everything was in place. The clowns were pumped and ready. The cowboys were angry about working with the LCR, but they maintained. Dexter was almost in position, and Alfie was in the zone.
The Mimes- well, the mimes knew their job.
Int. Protective custody Day
Dexter and Bookie pushed the cart towards the entrance of the protective cells.
The guard stopped them.
GUARD: Its library time again already?
BOOKIE: Looks that way. How’re the wife and kids?
GUARD: Pretty good, thanks for asking.
The guard stood and unlocked the door, and Dexter pushed the cart toward the last cell, where Alfie sat quietly.
ALFIE: Got anything good?
DEXTER: Yeah. I think you’ll like it.
BOOKIE: Especially page 52…
Dexter handed Alfie the book and turned to leave.
Alfie took a deep breath, gave his hands a last once over, and opened the book.
The guard was sitting at his desk, quietly flipping through the pages of Good Housekeeping when he heard Alfie yelling for him.
GUARD: What is it now!?
He stood, and walked towards Alfies cell.
When he got to the cell, he thought he heard a whisper. He thought he heard a whisper and felt something bite him on the neck.
What he’d heard was the 3 of spades slicing through the air from Alfies cell.
What he’d felt was that same playing card slicing his carotid artery into.
What he saw was his life flashing before his eyes- a life tinted red by the blood that sprayed through the air before him.
ALFIE: I’m sorry, guy. I don’t think it’ll hurt too much. Just go to sleep. Go to sleep.
Alfie had hit the Guard just where he needed to, causing him to fall forward so he could reach the keys.
Alfie let himself from his cell and started for the yard.
By the time the guards realized what was going on, it was too late. Alfie entered the yard, and was surrounded by Clowns- guarding him as he launched hand after hand of razor sharp death at the tower guards.
Some clowns took hits as well as a few guards managed to squeeze off a few shots.
They managed to keep Alfie from being hit, though, and soon they got what they wanted when the final tower guard tumbled from his perch- a gun.
The alarms sounded, but it was almost already too late.
The Cowboys and the LCR stormed the armory and armed themselves.
There wouldn’t have been a problem if the guards had just let them all walk, but a kid with an itchy trigger finger took the shot that killed big Tex.
Someone, probably a clown, yelled “Kill em’ all!”, and things got rough.
The clowns didn’t even have guns; they just charged towards the guards and bit them.
It wasn’t long before the Log Cabin Republicans and the Cowboys turned their guns on each other!
The bangers and the white power boys didn’t have a prayer. Between the rabid clowns and the bukkake of bullets the Cowboys and LCR were laying down, anyone in the crossfire was a goner.
It didn’t take long for the rapid response team to arrive and take action.
There were prison riots and there were prison riots, and there were riots at Henning state. Riots at Henning state were handled in one way and one way only: burn anything and anyone taking part.
The rapid response team swooped in and began to burn anything that moved. Guards, Aryans, Clowns, Republicans- they all burned in the yard.
There was chaos- complete, flaming chaos- Just as Tex had planned it.
Tex, Alfie, Dexter Pepper and Bookie, and Zep slipped out before the riot had gotten out of hand. Under the blanket of burning inmates, they managed to walk away.
And that was it- Tex was finally out.
There were no tearful goodbyes, no celebration. They just went there separate ways.
They all had things to do, scores to settle, rights to wrong and vice verse.
…Even the mimes.
THE END FOR NOW.
(Wherein things get sticky)
You have to be careful behind bars, because anything can be used as a weapon. This is especially true when you’re talking about this particular prison.
In Henning State Maximum Security Prison, you are always in danger of being seriously injured or killed by the most mundane of objects.
We aren’t talking the typical shiv made from a sharpened spoon or mattress spring. We’re talking things like bottles caps propelled at top speed through the memory center of the brain, or being choked to death by magic beans.
This is why the prison was always surrounded by a heavy duty of electro magnetic field. It detected any magical implements that could be smuggled in, and detected any magicians that might be smuggled out.
If you were going to be using a weapon in Henning state, you had to be very, very creative.
In a place where the definition of contraband includes almost everything, knowing a man like Dexter Pepper was important. Dexter and his little wooden friend Bookie could bet almost anything into the jail. The secret was in knowing what guard to approach, and how long to keep him on the take. At one point, Dexter had almost ever guard at the Penn smuggling in product for him. Now, there was a different problem. The Log Cabin Republicans had stepped in and were trying to oust the Ventriloquist from his place as go to guy. As much as he hated it, he had to make ice with them in order to get a very special product from outside- the one thing that would tip the scales and get their crew out of the Penn.
For the last week, Uncanny Alfie had been holed up in protective custody. The guards had noticed that he’d stopped shaking as much. He’d stopped sweating. He didn’t yell at all hours of the night any more. All he did in his small cell was stare quietly at the wall, and then at his hands.
The guards noticed that his hands were incredibly steady. It was uncanny.
Zep and the other clowns had been pumping iron even more than usual. They were like animals. They worked out any chance they could get, and when they weren’t working out, they were beating the crap out of each other. They were toughening up for something…
Meanwhile, Tex was in a difficult spot because a major war was brewing between the Cowboys and the Log Cabin Republicans. Big Tex had sat down with the LCR leaders: Mitchell “Lil’ Bit” Johnson, Carlton “Aunt Mame” Fontaine, and Blaine “Bareback” Kennedy to try and work things out.
It didn’t seem to go so well.
Tex figured that he’d go to talk them on his own. He had to. If his plan to break out of here was going to work, then there could be no weak links. He had to get out of this place and find out who had set him and his Pa up on that bank job.
He had to know who was behind the death of his horse.
It was a Saturday morning when the truck arrived. Tex had made a deal with the LCR, which he was sure that they would keep, even though he knew they could never really be trusted.
Dexter approached the driver while the guards were preoccupied, and let Bookie do the talking. Soon he had his package.
The next step was to get inside to see Alfie. This would be difficult. They’d managed to get the occasional message to him, because Dexter was in charge of the Book cart that took things to read to the various prisoners in various parts of the prison. But the package that Dexter had today was the most dangerous of contraband, especially in the hands of a magician- especially Alfie.
Dexter placed small package into a copy of the Joy of Cooking and headed for Protective custody.
Meanwhile, Tex made sure that everything was in place. The clowns were pumped and ready. The cowboys were angry about working with the LCR, but they maintained. Dexter was almost in position, and Alfie was in the zone.
The Mimes- well, the mimes knew their job.
Int. Protective custody Day
Dexter and Bookie pushed the cart towards the entrance of the protective cells.
The guard stopped them.
GUARD: Its library time again already?
BOOKIE: Looks that way. How’re the wife and kids?
GUARD: Pretty good, thanks for asking.
The guard stood and unlocked the door, and Dexter pushed the cart toward the last cell, where Alfie sat quietly.
ALFIE: Got anything good?
DEXTER: Yeah. I think you’ll like it.
BOOKIE: Especially page 52…
Dexter handed Alfie the book and turned to leave.
Alfie took a deep breath, gave his hands a last once over, and opened the book.
The guard was sitting at his desk, quietly flipping through the pages of Good Housekeeping when he heard Alfie yelling for him.
GUARD: What is it now!?
He stood, and walked towards Alfies cell.
When he got to the cell, he thought he heard a whisper. He thought he heard a whisper and felt something bite him on the neck.
What he’d heard was the 3 of spades slicing through the air from Alfies cell.
What he’d felt was that same playing card slicing his carotid artery into.
What he saw was his life flashing before his eyes- a life tinted red by the blood that sprayed through the air before him.
ALFIE: I’m sorry, guy. I don’t think it’ll hurt too much. Just go to sleep. Go to sleep.
Alfie had hit the Guard just where he needed to, causing him to fall forward so he could reach the keys.
Alfie let himself from his cell and started for the yard.
By the time the guards realized what was going on, it was too late. Alfie entered the yard, and was surrounded by Clowns- guarding him as he launched hand after hand of razor sharp death at the tower guards.
Some clowns took hits as well as a few guards managed to squeeze off a few shots.
They managed to keep Alfie from being hit, though, and soon they got what they wanted when the final tower guard tumbled from his perch- a gun.
The alarms sounded, but it was almost already too late.
The Cowboys and the LCR stormed the armory and armed themselves.
There wouldn’t have been a problem if the guards had just let them all walk, but a kid with an itchy trigger finger took the shot that killed big Tex.
Someone, probably a clown, yelled “Kill em’ all!”, and things got rough.
The clowns didn’t even have guns; they just charged towards the guards and bit them.
It wasn’t long before the Log Cabin Republicans and the Cowboys turned their guns on each other!
The bangers and the white power boys didn’t have a prayer. Between the rabid clowns and the bukkake of bullets the Cowboys and LCR were laying down, anyone in the crossfire was a goner.
It didn’t take long for the rapid response team to arrive and take action.
There were prison riots and there were prison riots, and there were riots at Henning state. Riots at Henning state were handled in one way and one way only: burn anything and anyone taking part.
The rapid response team swooped in and began to burn anything that moved. Guards, Aryans, Clowns, Republicans- they all burned in the yard.
There was chaos- complete, flaming chaos- Just as Tex had planned it.
Tex, Alfie, Dexter Pepper and Bookie, and Zep slipped out before the riot had gotten out of hand. Under the blanket of burning inmates, they managed to walk away.
And that was it- Tex was finally out.
There were no tearful goodbyes, no celebration. They just went there separate ways.
They all had things to do, scores to settle, rights to wrong and vice verse.
…Even the mimes.
THE END FOR NOW.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Creep-a-day #58 "Nightmare"
had a dream that a flesh colored blob the size of a football was pulling itself across the floor towards me.
yeah.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Creep-a-day #51 "Cat head in a jar"
CAT HEAD IN A JAR
(sing to the tune of "Cat head near a car")
Cat head in a Jar!
...You know you gonna go far!
Cat head in a jar!
...I told you you'd be a star, girl!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)