Sunday, January 4, 2009

Fall Risk

This one speaks for itself...
In case of concern, know that this is from May 2008! I'm Fine now...

My original goal was to talk to you about how maddening and idiotic I find Facebook. I know that I’ve already talked about Myspace in the past, but apparently Facebook is better- in the way that vomiting in public is better than diarrhea in public, I guess.
But then I had a stroke.
As I sat there on the couch on my day off, watching the People’s Court for the same reason you probably watch it- sexy plaintiffs- my left hand began to tingle.
This was followed by a bit of a headache, and a slight inability to move the left side of my body.
I won’t try and convince you that I’m some sort of courageous hero by telling you that I was not afraid.
But, I was never truly afraid.
As you’ll find throughout this tale, I can be somewhat idiotic when it comes to my own well being. I hope that this revelation doesn’t cause you to reclaim your concern and pity. I appreciate it. But I can be stubborn and outright stupid- hence my 3rd stroke.
You see, I’d had these same symptoms two weeks earlier.
The first stroke came after a particularly successful Saturday morning house cleaning. When I felt the tingle coming on, I thought to myself “Damn it! I’m having a stroke! I don’t have any coverage, and I can’t afford an Ambulance!” I promptly took two aspirin, hid any visible porn, and lay down next to the phone- just in case.
Soon after, the feeling went away. I was left a bit weak, but I felt okay. I chalked it up to- whatever, and walked to the nearby grocery store for granola.
Later in the day, it happened again, but it didn’t last as long, so I let it go.
That following Monday at work, I mentioned it to a few people. They didn’t seem too concerned, so I took this as a cue that it was nothing and moved on. Thank God for that external validation that allowed me to ignore two strokes!
So, here we are again at the day of the “big” one. Wednesday morning, People’s Court, and then the tingling began. Only this time, it never went away. Now a smart man would have immediately called for help, but I did what I’ve always done in time of great strife and crisis- I tried to sleep it off. I spent the whole of Wednesday trying to sleep off a stroke.
Again, I must ask that you agree that I have exhibited stupidity, but don’t hold it against me. I am in dire need of someone to take care of me, ladies!
The next morning I hopped (READ: wobbled and crawled) out of bed, called my mother to tell her I’d had a stroke, limped down the 130 stairs in my apartment, and made my way to the emergency room… by public bus!

I’m either really awesome or really retarded.
Hold your votes until the end.

With the help of the earth’s rotation and a few calm breezes, I was able to swing my nearly dead left leg the three blocks from the bus stop to the emergency room.
Once there, the care immediately kicked into high gear. They strapped me to a fat guy wheelchair, and started taking my blood pressure, taking my blood, and taking pictures of my brain, arteries, and heart.
Soon, the calls and text messages began. I found it really amusing that people would try to call a stroke victim and expect him to answer texts, but I was glad that people cared enough to try.
My Ma and my Old Man arrived soon and sat briefly. The Old Man was tired and still a bit sick- he’d been in the same hospital only a few weeks earlier. I felt really bad that they had to see me this way, especially since I probably could have avoided this through clean living and positive thinking. But who am I, Captain Fantasy? Life has a way of sucking, and sometimes that suck materializes as a busted blood vessel in your brain.
Eventually, I was in my own room, forced to lie nearly flat in bed and connected to an I.V.
So far, everyone at the hospital had been so nice and considerate to me that my mind began to drift into Devil’s Advocate mode. What was their game? What was their angle? What did they have to gain by keeping me alive?
I cannot begin to tell you why these thoughts were occurring to me. That is, besides stupidity.
My blood pressure was extremely high. When I arrived at the ER, it was in walking dead territory. Eventually, it came down, but it remained really high for the duration of my stay at the hospital.
Some guests arrived and were happy to see that I was not a vegetable. I got flowers.
The nurse attached a bracelet to my wrist that labeled me a “Fall Risk”. This meant that I wasn’t supposed to get to the restroom or anything else without help. For the sake of argument, let’s say that I played along.
The results of the tests started to come back, and were showing that my (3rd) stroke was minor… really minor. They couldn’t find any hint of damage or any clue that I couldn’t avoid all of this in the future.
I spent the first night trying to be comfortable in the hospital bed and watching Adult Swim. The Boondocks always pleases.
The next day brought more tests, more calls from well wishers, and I was finally allowed to sit up and walk around a bit.
You think that it would be awesome to lay down all day and watch TV, but it gets boring really quickly. Luckily I only had to do it for two days.
So, here we are. I have to take lots of medicine to keep my blood pressure down; I have to avoid fried foods, and sweets. It took a stroke to finally get me to the hospital and take care of myself. It probably won’t take as extreme a measure in the future. I should regain all of my proper movement over time, without any sort of therapy.
As for my mental well being, well-
I have to learn to stop sweating the small stuff, as the book says. Yes, things suck. Yes, I’ll continue to write about them for your amusement and unfaltering loyalty, but I will no longer brood, or mope, or fume.
I promise that I will not use my mind to kill myself, like a Scanner.
I was given a harsh lesson that could have been a lot harsher, and I am going to take steps not to repeat it. For my efforts, I have to sit home and watch television for two straight weeks. Damn.
And how is it going? Well, this morning I realized that my useless ex-roommate had scratched the Odorama card from my collector’s edition copy of Polyester.
Normally, I’d have blown a gasket and put him on my things to do list, but that was Pre-stroke J’Mza.
The new J’Mza realizes that J’Mza and his health and his art need to be at the top of that list.
As far as the Roommate, well, these things are best served cold, right?


  1. Jeez. I read this wondering if it really happened, but I see you labeled it as nonfiction. Glad that this is in the past.

    What hospital were you in where you got Adult Swim? I would have killed for some Robot Chicken when I was in the hospital. Instead, I mostly watched Deadliest Catch marathons.

  2. UAB! I'm still paying them, too...

  3. At least the cable was free.
    Of course, in my case that just meant there was cable at home that I was not using that was not free.