Monday, January 5, 2009

Jeffrey L.

I don't like Vampires. And Vampires don't like themselves, it seems...

October 30th, 11:42 P.M.

How old are you anyway?
17!? Geez-
Okay, thank you for searching me out. I’m touched, really. I had no idea anyone even knew who I was, but that damn internet- that stuff amazes to me to no end. The stuff you can find out on there!
Listen to me, because I mean what I’m about to say and I have no reason to lie to you.
Go home and grow up.
I’m sure you’re going to tell me that your parents don’t understand you and that you don’t fit in and all of that noise.
You’re going to say that you wear black all the time because the world isn’t fair and there is no hope. Well, I’ll tell you what isn’t fair- having to put up with spoiled sissy boys like you that don’t know how good they have it, so they come around here and try to get in on my action.
What is it, huh? Daddy didn’t buy you the car you wanted?
Kids at school beat you up because you read poetry? Guess what? You deserve that beating!
You are here because you have been misinformed, but I got the news for you, kid.
I got the headline, and it reads-
“Vampires are gay- literally and figuratively!”
They don’t tell you this. It’s almost like an inside joke.
You art school kids read your Anne Frank and you think-
What? Well what did I say?
Right. You kids read your Anne Rice and you think the life is all romance, but as soon as the teeth hit your neck- POW- sausage fest!
Just like magic, you have a lifetime subscription to the International Male catalog. And you’ll need it, too, because most of us dress like Israeli night club owners!
Okay, I’m being a little dramatic, but you may as well be gay! Trust me, the sort of girl that finds this stuff sexy is not the sort of girl you want hanging around for eternity.
You already know who I’m talking about because you already met her…
That squat chick that works at the alternative bookstore that smells like Zatarain’s and always wants to do your tarot reading? Yeah, her. She’s just waiting for a guy like you to come into her window and sweep her off of feet. And when you do, you’ll never get rid of her. Trust me.
Now if that is the sort of girl that you look for, then by all means, join up! There’s really nothing wrong with that sort of girl, and if she is your main type, then you got it made. If you like black girls or hot girls or girls with self esteem, then the vampire life ain’t for you!
If I were you? I’d look into the whole werewolf angle. If you just absolutely want to give your life over to being a creature of the night, being a werewolf is the way to go. Think about it- they get to go out during day hours, they get to keep real jobs, they can still eat real food, and they get to sleep in real beds. Those guys have it made!
Once or twice a month, they turn into wolves, and run around naked and howl at the moon. Those guys are the rock stars of monsters! And you know why? Because no one romanticized their world. They kept it on the down low, and they don’t have a lot of wannabe’s ruing it for them. Werewolves are rock stars and vampires are boy bands.
It’s that simple.
Plus they get to date regular women.
Let me tell you a story.
A few years back when I first got into this whole thing, I was walking around the French quarter looking for a cutie to bite, and I wasn’t hitting on anything, so I went to one of the few bars that accept both vampires and werewolves. So, I’m sitting there having a cigarette and talking about whatever- and a few guys walk int. right away we all know that these guys aren’t undead, so we all start trying to decide who’s gonna get to feed off of them.
While we’re flipping coins, playing paper rock scissors, and hot potato- BOOM! The guys start firing. They’re hunters! They’re taking out wolves left and right. Faster than the guys can sprout fur- POW, they’re shot with silver bullets. Now, we don’t notice it right away, but eventually we realize that none of them are trying to slay vampires. A couple of us take stray bullets, but no one ever takes out a wooden stake or a piece of garlic or any holy water.
This is when we all realize it- they’re ignoring us! We’re not worth their time!
We’re just sitting their watching as the hunters take down every werewolf in the room, and no one ever takes the time to try and kill us!
Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?
Eventually, a few of us decide to attack them, and you know what they do? They cripple us and laugh!
They break a few or our legs and necks, and laugh at us as we lay there trying to heal.
Let me tell you, it was one of the most shameful nights of my life. We were just in the way- a hindrance.
We’re just practice. Young kids come looking for us on their way to becoming monster hunters.
I’ll tell you this; you won’t find that little anecdote in your gothic vampire romance novels. Tom Cruise won’t be doing a movie about how vampires are the equivalent of monster target practice!
And we can’t march in any pride parades- know why?
Because you can’t have parades at night!
I hate my life more than I hate you, and I really hate you. I was doing okay before you showed up and reminded me that I was a joke.
If you really want to give up your nice simple life? Go be a werewolf. I’m telling you though; you’d be stupid to do that, too.
You watch the videos and read the books and think this life is cool, but you have no idea how sad it really is!
Okay, I’ll make you a promise: Go home, get a hair cut, and throw out all of your Harry Potter fan fiction. Then, if you go and find yourself a girlfriend and get your pipes cleaned, and you still want to be a vampire, I promise you that I’ll make it happen. I’ll even buy you your first puffy shirt.
But you won’t like it. See, right now, you’re thinking “Maybe he doesn’t love being the undead, but I’ll make it work! I’ll have lots of familiars and be the king of the night!”
Familiars? You watch too much T.V.!
Vampires don’t keep human slaves; it’s the other way around!
Most of us work the night shift at Target to make ends meet, and they pay us in Target bucks. You know what you can buy with one-thousand Target bucks? Nothing but Rubbermaid and regret!
We live off of trail mix and rat blood.
How cool is that, rich boy?
You’re starting to make me mad. I should bite you out of spite.
Go home before I pop you one.


  1. Terrific piece, J'Mel. I loved reading it! Seriously!

  2. I love this one. I do have to agree. Vampires are pansies. I kept saying this while Amberly and I read Twilight. Pansies. Werewolves are the rockstars of the monster world.

  3. Thanks. keep an eye out- I expand on this in the Birmingham Weekly soon...